TEARS
Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel,
when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he
partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes.
Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye cryin' fer?"
Pat, wishing to have Mike fooled also, exclaimed: "I'm crying fer me
poor ould mother, who's dead way over in Ireland."
By and by Mike took some of the radish, whereupon tears filled _his_
eyes. Pat, seeing them, asked his friend what he was crying for.
Mike replied: "Because ye didn't die at the same time yer poor ould
mother did."
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SUMMER RESORTS
GABE--"What are you going back to that place for this summer? Why, last year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing." STEVE--"The owner tells me that he has crossed the mosquitoes with the fish, and guarantees a bite every second." "I suppose... SUNDAY
Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse," he said one day, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee, "nurse, is this God's day?" "No, dear," said the nurse, "this is not Sunday; it is Thursday." "I'm so sorry," he ... SUNDAY SCHOOLS
"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing the blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll play 'Sabbath School.' You give me a nickel every Sunday for six months, and then at Christmas I'll give you a ten-... SUPERSTITION
Superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its time.--_George Iles_. ... SURPRISE
"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five children. "I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the mother. "Are we all goin', too?" "No, dear. You weren't invited." After a few moments' deep thought: "Say, ma, then ... SWIMMERS
Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging about their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got up a match. The man who swam the longest distance was to receive $5. The Alabama Whale immediately stripped on the... SYMPATHY
A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost anything. Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a man much the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along the car between two rows of well-dres... SYNONYMS
"I don't believe any two words in the English language are synonymous." "Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and 'lift'?" "There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens and have a neighbor who has been known to 'lift' them." ... TABLE MANNERS
_See_ Dining. ... TACT
It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished to compliment his hostess, saying: "Madam, you played your part splendidly. It fits you to perfection." "I'm afraid not. A young and pretty woman is needed for that part," said the s... TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD
When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he had been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old friend. It was a small house, not well built, and as he walked about in his room the unsubstantial little house fairly sh... TALENT
_See_ Actors and actresses. ... TALKERS
Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-party given by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess had been particularly talkative all during the performance--to Mr. Clemens's increasing irritation. Toward the en... TARDINESS
"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in passing a small boy who was carrying a package. "No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."--_Mabel Long_. "How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school this mor... TARIFF
Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty saying, "America expects every man to pay his duty?"--_Kent Packard_. ... TASTE
"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," said Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter whose little daughter called at a friend's house and said: 'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'" S... TEACHERS
A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning. At ... TEARS
Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel, when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes. Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye ... TEETH
There was an old man of Tarentum, Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em: And when asked for the cost Of what he had lost, Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!" --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. Pat came to the office... TELEPHONE
Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this important conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a number. One of the girls became indignant and s... TEMPER
Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to see her favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for her mercurial temper. "Dinah," she said, "I cannot stand it any longer. I want you to go. I want you to go soon, I wan... TEMPERANCE
A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In repairing a corner near the fireplace, it was found necessary to remove the wainscot, when some things were brough... TEXAS
The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map. But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known. It is about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at the bottom of the map, to Dallas, which is several hundr... TEXTS
In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declared colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without previous meditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The voice of the turtle shall be heard in the land." Not notin... THEATER
"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a producer of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a film-drama. Listen to the impromptu scenario: Scene one, exterior of a Broadway theater, with the ticket-speculators getti... THIEVES
GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)--"Well, Ras, so you want me to defend you. Have you any money?" RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two." LAWYER--"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do they accu... THIN PEOPLE
There was an old fellow named Green, Who grew so abnormally lean, And flat, and compressed, That his back touched his chest, And sideways he couldn't be seen. There was a young lady of Lynn, Who was so excessively thin, ... THRIFT
It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a stranger asked him: "Why do you always take the penn... TIDES
A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and he did not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to his feet. At last an extra big wave wa... TIME
Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clock and then slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back on the lid with a clatter. "Talk about toime and to... TIPS
American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service, however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too far, or else attempt to resist it altogether. Ther... TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was entertaining nobility, was nearly overcom... TOASTS
_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman. ... TOBACCO
"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker. "How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in." _See also_ Smoking. ...