TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of
friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The
good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was
entertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise and elation.
While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant her
distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him. It was "My
Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do try that," "Take a
piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was nearly finished.
The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, during
a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach the
pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mother
said:
"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle."
Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the pages strict
orders that in the morning he was to go and knock at the Dean's door,
and when the Dean inquired who was knocking he was to say: "The boy, my
Lord." According to directions he knocked and the Dean asked: "Who is
there?" Embarrassed by the voice of the great man the page answered:
"The Lord, my boy."
"How did he get his title of colonel?"
"He got it to distinguish him from his wife's first husband, who was a
captain, and his wife's second husband, who was a major."
For titles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on their
titles.--_Machiavelli_.
I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain
what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an
"Honest Man."--_George Washington_.
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SURPRISE
"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five children. "I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the mother. "Are we all goin', too?" "No, dear. You weren't invited." After a few moments' deep thought: "Say, ma, then ... SWIMMERS
Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging about their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got up a match. The man who swam the longest distance was to receive $5. The Alabama Whale immediately stripped on the... SYMPATHY
A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost anything. Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a man much the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along the car between two rows of well-dres... SYNONYMS
"I don't believe any two words in the English language are synonymous." "Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and 'lift'?" "There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens and have a neighbor who has been known to 'lift' them." ... TABLE MANNERS
_See_ Dining. ... TACT
It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished to compliment his hostess, saying: "Madam, you played your part splendidly. It fits you to perfection." "I'm afraid not. A young and pretty woman is needed for that part," said the s... TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD
When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he had been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old friend. It was a small house, not well built, and as he walked about in his room the unsubstantial little house fairly sh... TALENT
_See_ Actors and actresses. ... TALKERS
Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-party given by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess had been particularly talkative all during the performance--to Mr. Clemens's increasing irritation. Toward the en... TARDINESS
"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in passing a small boy who was carrying a package. "No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."--_Mabel Long_. "How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school this mor... TARIFF
Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty saying, "America expects every man to pay his duty?"--_Kent Packard_. ... TASTE
"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," said Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter whose little daughter called at a friend's house and said: 'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'" S... TEACHERS
A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning. At ... TEARS
Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel, when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes. Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye ... TEETH
There was an old man of Tarentum, Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em: And when asked for the cost Of what he had lost, Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!" --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. Pat came to the office... TELEPHONE
Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this important conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a number. One of the girls became indignant and s... TEMPER
Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to see her favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for her mercurial temper. "Dinah," she said, "I cannot stand it any longer. I want you to go. I want you to go soon, I wan... TEMPERANCE
A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In repairing a corner near the fireplace, it was found necessary to remove the wainscot, when some things were brough... TEXAS
The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map. But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known. It is about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at the bottom of the map, to Dallas, which is several hundr... TEXTS
In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declared colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without previous meditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The voice of the turtle shall be heard in the land." Not notin... THEATER
"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a producer of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a film-drama. Listen to the impromptu scenario: Scene one, exterior of a Broadway theater, with the ticket-speculators getti... THIEVES
GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)--"Well, Ras, so you want me to defend you. Have you any money?" RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two." LAWYER--"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do they accu... THIN PEOPLE
There was an old fellow named Green, Who grew so abnormally lean, And flat, and compressed, That his back touched his chest, And sideways he couldn't be seen. There was a young lady of Lynn, Who was so excessively thin, ... THRIFT
It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a stranger asked him: "Why do you always take the penn... TIDES
A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and he did not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to his feet. At last an extra big wave wa... TIME
Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clock and then slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back on the lid with a clatter. "Talk about toime and to... TIPS
American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service, however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too far, or else attempt to resist it altogether. Ther... TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was entertaining nobility, was nearly overcom... TOASTS
_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman. ... TOBACCO
"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker. "How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in." _See also_ Smoking. ... TOURISTS
_See_ Liars; Travelers. ... TRADE UNIONS
CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy all the time?" ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir." "Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to be happy eight hours a day." ... TRAMPS
LADY--"Can't you find work?" TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer." LADY--"And can't you get one?" TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years." ... TRANSMUTATION
Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for a moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularly noticeable sheath-gown passed.... TRAVELERS
An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every point of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a Shinto funeral. Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the hotel, asking him to instruct her guide to take her to... TREASON
It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite, criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords, exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: "Why, it looks very much like treason." Instantly came the ans... TREES
CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?" FATHER--"They do, my son." CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?" FATHER--"The pantry, my son." ... TRIGONOMETRY
A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's this man charged with?" "Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives." The ... TROUBLE
"What is the trouble, wifey?" "Nothing." "Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at home or something that happened in a novel?" It was married men's night at the revival meeting. "Let all you husbands who ha... TRUSTS
A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_. TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates correctly and indelibly as the egg is b... TRUTH
There was a young lady named Ruth, Who had a great passion for truth. She said she would die Before she would lie, And she died in the prime of her youth. Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too te... TURKEYS
"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I was a boy, as the central figure!" "Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of them."-... TUTORS
A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot, or To tutor two tutors to toot?" --_Carolyn Wells_. ... TWINS
"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?" "Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_. ... UMBRELLAS
A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in ten minutes." On returning to seek... VALUE
"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no idea of the value of money." "You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?" "Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have any appreciation of all t... VANITY
MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough ahlriddy." MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half as good lookin' as Oi am." "Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women... VERSATILITY
A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply: "_Dear Sir_: "I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for several years I beg to apply for the p... VOICE
A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing through that stage of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and his vocal organs, rapidly developin... WAGES
"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia." "Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty da month if da boss eata me." Commenting on the... WAITERS
Recipe for a waiter: Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please, Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips; Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce, Roll in crumbs, melted butter and tips. --_Life_. ... WAR
"Flag of truce, Excellency." "Well, what do the revolutionists want?" "They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of condensed milk." If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half full of water, crawl into... WARNINGS
Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at railroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, but assured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking. One hot day he was eating his noon l... WASHINGTON, GEORGE
A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about George Washington, and finally she asked: "Can any one now tell me which Washington was--a great general or a great admiral?" The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and...