More
-
TOASTS
_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman. ... TOBACCO
"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker. "How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in." _See also_ Smoking. ... TOURISTS
_See_ Liars; Travelers. ... TRADE UNIONS
CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy all the time?" ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir." "Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to be happy eight hours a day." ... TRAMPS
LADY--"Can't you find work?" TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer." LADY--"And can't you get one?" TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years." ... TRANSMUTATION
Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for a moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularly noticeable sheath-gown passed.... TRAVELERS
An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every point of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a Shinto funeral. Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the hotel, asking him to instruct her guide to take her to... TREASON
It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite, criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords, exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: "Why, it looks very much like treason." Instantly came the ans... TREES
CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?" FATHER--"They do, my son." CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?" FATHER--"The pantry, my son." ... TRIGONOMETRY
A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's this man charged with?" "Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives." The ... TROUBLE
"What is the trouble, wifey?" "Nothing." "Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at home or something that happened in a novel?" It was married men's night at the revival meeting. "Let all you husbands who ha... TRUSTS
A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_. TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates correctly and indelibly as the egg is b... TRUTH
There was a young lady named Ruth, Who had a great passion for truth. She said she would die Before she would lie, And she died in the prime of her youth. Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too te... TURKEYS
"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I was a boy, as the central figure!" "Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of them."-... TUTORS
A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot, or To tutor two tutors to toot?" --_Carolyn Wells_. ... TWINS
"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?" "Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_. ... UMBRELLAS
A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in ten minutes." On returning to seek... VALUE
"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no idea of the value of money." "You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?" "Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have any appreciation of all t... VANITY
MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough ahlriddy." MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half as good lookin' as Oi am." "Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women... VERSATILITY
A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply: "_Dear Sir_: "I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for several years I beg to apply for the p... VOICE
A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing through that stage of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and his vocal organs, rapidly developin... WAGES
"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia." "Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty da month if da boss eata me." Commenting on the... WAITERS
Recipe for a waiter: Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please, Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips; Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce, Roll in crumbs, melted butter and tips. --_Life_. ... WAR
"Flag of truce, Excellency." "Well, what do the revolutionists want?" "They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of condensed milk." If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half full of water, crawl into... WARNINGS
Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at railroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, but assured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking. One hot day he was eating his noon l... WASHINGTON, GEORGE
A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about George Washington, and finally she asked: "Can any one now tell me which Washington was--a great general or a great admiral?" The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and...