VANITY
MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough
ahlriddy."
MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half as
good lookin' as Oi am."
"Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women are vain
and men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the
necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up th
collar." There were six men present and each of them put his hand gently
behind his neck.
A New York woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend, bringing
with her her eleven-year-old daughter, who gives promise of becoming as
great a beauty as her mother.
It chanced that the callers were shown into a room where the friend had
been receiving a milliner, and there were several beautiful hats lying
about. During the conversation the little girl amused herself by
examining the milliner's creations. Of the number that she tried on, she
seemed particularly pleased with a large black affair which set off her
light hair charmingly. Turning to her mother, the little girl said:
"I look just like you now, Mother, don't I?"
"Sh!" cautioned the mother, with uplifted finger. "Don't be vain, dear."
That which makes the vanity of others unbearable to us is that which
wounds our own.--_La Rochefoucauld_.
More
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THIN PEOPLE
There was an old fellow named Green, Who grew so abnormally lean, And flat, and compressed, That his back touched his chest, And sideways he couldn't be seen. There was a young lady of Lynn, Who was so excessively thin, ... THRIFT
It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a stranger asked him: "Why do you always take the penn... TIDES
A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and he did not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to his feet. At last an extra big wave wa... TIME
Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clock and then slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back on the lid with a clatter. "Talk about toime and to... TIPS
American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service, however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too far, or else attempt to resist it altogether. Ther... TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was entertaining nobility, was nearly overcom... TOASTS
_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman. ... TOBACCO
"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker. "How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in." _See also_ Smoking. ... TOURISTS
_See_ Liars; Travelers. ... TRADE UNIONS
CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy all the time?" ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir." "Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to be happy eight hours a day." ... TRAMPS
LADY--"Can't you find work?" TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer." LADY--"And can't you get one?" TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years." ... TRANSMUTATION
Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for a moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularly noticeable sheath-gown passed.... TRAVELERS
An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every point of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a Shinto funeral. Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the hotel, asking him to instruct her guide to take her to... TREASON
It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite, criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords, exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: "Why, it looks very much like treason." Instantly came the ans... TREES
CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?" FATHER--"They do, my son." CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?" FATHER--"The pantry, my son." ... TRIGONOMETRY
A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's this man charged with?" "Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives." The ... TROUBLE
"What is the trouble, wifey?" "Nothing." "Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at home or something that happened in a novel?" It was married men's night at the revival meeting. "Let all you husbands who ha... TRUSTS
A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_. TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates correctly and indelibly as the egg is b... TRUTH
There was a young lady named Ruth, Who had a great passion for truth. She said she would die Before she would lie, And she died in the prime of her youth. Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too te... TURKEYS
"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I was a boy, as the central figure!" "Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of them."-... TUTORS
A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot, or To tutor two tutors to toot?" --_Carolyn Wells_. ... TWINS
"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?" "Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_. ... UMBRELLAS
A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in ten minutes." On returning to seek... VALUE
"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no idea of the value of money." "You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?" "Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have any appreciation of all t... VANITY
MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough ahlriddy." MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half as good lookin' as Oi am." "Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women... VERSATILITY
A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply: "_Dear Sir_: "I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for several years I beg to apply for the p... VOICE
A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing through that stage of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and his vocal organs, rapidly developin... WAGES
"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia." "Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty da month if da boss eata me." Commenting on the... WAITERS
Recipe for a waiter: Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please, Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips; Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce, Roll in crumbs, melted butter and tips. --_Life_. ... WAR
"Flag of truce, Excellency." "Well, what do the revolutionists want?" "They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of condensed milk." If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half full of water, crawl into... WARNINGS
Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at railroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, but assured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking. One hot day he was eating his noon l... WASHINGTON, GEORGE
A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about George Washington, and finally she asked: "Can any one now tell me which Washington was--a great general or a great admiral?" The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and... WASPS
The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it," in his own inimitable way, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to hold on. ... WASTE
The automobile rushed down the road--huge, gigantic, sublime. Over the fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her husband is at the cafe and she has thirteen little ones. (An unlucky number.) Suddenly upon the thirteenth came the auto, unsee... WEALTH
If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you want to get rich you must go about it in some other way. The traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to have got together in the first place.--_Puck_. He that is pro... WEATHER
"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of the returned traveler. "You don't have to find the weather in London," replied the traveler. "It bumps into you at every corner." An American and a Scotsman were discussing the c... WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES
Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, and was walking majestically up and down the street. "Aren't you working to-day, Uncle?" asked somebody. "No, suh. I'se celebrating' mah golden weddin' suh." "You were married fifty... WEDDING PRESENTS
Among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural section of Virginia, was one that was a gift of an old woman with whom both bride and groom were great favorites. Some time ago, it appears, the old woman accumulated a supply of ... WEDDINGS
An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose bride had been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the wedding invitations: "Be sure and come; this is no amateur performance." A wealthy young woman from the west was... WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
"Didn't I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day until ye had her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward a sickly, emaciated cat that was slinking through the store. "Ye did thot," replied the assistant, "an" I've just be... WELCOMES
When Ex-President Taft was on his transcontinental tour, American flags and Taft pictures were in evidence everywhere. Usually the Taft pictures contained a word of welcome under them. Those who heard the President's laugh ring out will not soon f... WEST, THE
EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)--"The idea of calling this the 'Wild-West'! Why, I never saw such politeness anywhere." COWBOY--"We're allers perlite to ladies, ma'am." EASTERN LADY--"Oh, as for that, there is plenty of politeness everywh... WHISKY
This is from an Irish priest's sermon, as quoted in Samuel M. Hussey's "Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": "'It's whisky makes you bate your wives; it's whisky makes your homes desolate; it's whisky makes you shoot your landlords, and'--with e... WHISKY BREATH
_See_ Breath. ... WIDOWS
During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlor one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not," replied the other. "Are you?" "No," was the reply, "I, too, am on the single list," adding: "Strange that two such ... WIND
VISITOR--"What became of that other windmill that was here last year?" NATIVE--"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it down." Whichever way the wind doth blow Some heart is glad to have it so; Then blow it east, or blow it ... WINDFALLS
A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped in a widow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home worth about $30,000 more than when he started. ... WINE
When our thirsty souls we steep, Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep. Talk of monarchs! we are then Richest, happiest, first of men. When I drink, my heart refines And rises as the cup declines; Rises in the genial flow, That none...