How are you to-day
"How are you to-day?"
"Oh, I can't kick."
"Thought you were ill."
"I am--I have the gout."
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HE--Time and tide wait for no man
HE--Time and tide wait for no man. SHE--No, but a woman will. ... He--Why has he put her picture in his watch
He--Why has he put her picture in his watch? She--Because he thinks she will love him in time. ... HE--Yes she is living under an assumed name
HE--"Yes, she is living under an assumed name." SHE--"Horrible! What is it?" HE--"The one she assumed immediately after her husband married her!" ... HE--You saw some old ruins while in England I presume
HE--You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume? SHE--Yes, indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me. ... HE: Do you know dear you remind me of Huyler's candy
HE: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy. SHE: Why? Because I am "so sweet?" HE: No! "Fresh every hour." ... Held by the enemy--the ulster which we are unable to redeem
"Held by the enemy"--the ulster which we are unable to redeem. ... Her face was happy His face was stern; Her hand was in his'n His'n was in her'n
Her face was happy, His face was stern; Her hand was in his'n, His'n was in her'n. ... Here is a chestnut your ire arouses So often it's brought to your minds People who live in glass houses Should always pull down the blinds
Here is a chestnut your ire arouses, So often it's brought to your minds, "People who live in glass houses" Should always "pull down the blinds." ... Here lies poor Sam: and what is strange Grim death has worked in him a change---- He always lied and always will He once lied loud and now lies still
"Here lies poor Sam: and what is strange, Grim death has worked in him a change---- He always lied and always will, He once lied loud and now lies still." ... Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once and then died remarked Mrs
"Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once, and then died," remarked Mrs. Sumway. "From over-eggsertion, probably," commented her husband. ... Hey boy where's your brother
"Hey, boy, where's your brother?" "In the barn, shoein' horses." "Where's your mother?" "In the back yard, shooin' chickens." "Where's your father?" "In the hammock, shooin' flies." ... How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work
"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?" "That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing time for making money?" ... How are you to-day
"How are you to-day?" "Oh, I can't kick." "Thought you were ill." "I am--I have the gout." ... How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed
How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed. He'll shake your hand one minute and He'll pull your leg the next! ... How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman with that frightful costume without laughing in her face
"How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman with that frightful costume without laughing in her face?" "Oh, that's easy. She is my wife." ... How did that fight between the bridge tenders end
"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?" "It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!" ... How did you cure your boy of swearing
"How did you cure your boy of swearing?" "By the laying on of hands, principally." ... How is Uncle Mose coming on
"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster. "He will be out in a few days." "Is his rheumatism done gone?" "Well, not perzackly. Dar's room for improvement yit." "Yes, I've heerd some rheumers ter dat effec'." ... How is your house heated
"How is your house heated?" "By hot air." "Hot air?" "Yes--the landlord's." ... How to gain flesh--buy out a butcher shop
How to gain flesh--buy out a butcher shop. ... How to make your trousers last Make your coat and waistcoat first
"How to make your trousers last," "Make your coat and waistcoat first." ... How to signal a bark--pull a dog's tail
How to signal a bark--pull a dog's tail. ... HUSBAND--I am going to buy two little children
HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children." WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?" HUSBAND--"Down at the department store." WIFE--"Who put such nonsense into your head?" HUSBAND--"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladi... HUSBAND--My dear how would you like a book for a present
HUSBAND--My dear, how would you like a book for a present? WIFE--Very much. "Well, what sort of a book would you like--a book of poems, for instance?" "No; a bank-book." ...