I'm the champion long distance cornet player
I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest
once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.
Did you win?
No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever."
More
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I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads and
was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee
I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the rest of us sit down. I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the weak." ... I will not sit that way
"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!" "Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to make a good negative of you unless you quit being s... I wish the hot weather would come along sighed the thermometer
"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of low degree." ... I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for
MILLIE--"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?" WILLIE--"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, of course!" ... I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded
"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?" "I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed." ... I wouldn't stand for that if I were you
"I wouldn't stand for that if I were you. Why don't you call him a liar?" "That's just what I'll do. Where, where is your telephone?" ... I'd like to see your mistress
"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?" "Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years." ... I'll admit said Mrs
"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't know"---- "That's no lie," interrupted her husband. "But," continued the alleged better half of the combination, "that man doesn't live who can tell me what they are." ... I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live
"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!" "Refused again?" "No; accepted." ... I'll pass the butter said he while trying to pass the browsing goat
"I'll pass the butter," said he, while trying to pass the browsing goat. "I'll butt the passer," said the goat, as he helped him over the fence. ... I'm nearly starved
"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the New York Central." "But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?" "Nope! It was a 'fast' train." ... I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the society of the great
"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the society of the great." "You're not?" "No; they are surrounded at home by any number of big-wigs." ... I'm the champion long distance cornet player
I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks. Did you win? No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever." ... I'm very much surprised quoth Harry That Jane a gambler should marry
"I'm very much surprised," quoth Harry, "That Jane a gambler should marry." "I'm not at all," her sister says, "You know he has such winning ways!" ... I've been married five years and I've got a bushel of children
"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of children." "How's that?" "My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don't four pecks make a bushel?" ... I've been pondering over a very singular thing
"I've been pondering over a very singular thing." "What is it?" "How putting a ring on a woman's third finger should place you under that woman's thumb." ... IDA--Yes dear this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same as they have in New York
IDA--"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same as they have in New York." MAY--"Perfume? Why I smell gasoline." IDA--"Well, you see, they are playing the 'Automobile March' now." ... If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it and another guest did the same what would the latter's telephone number be
"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone number be?" It would be "8-1-2." ... If a woman would change her sex what would her religion be
If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then, of course. ... If Broomstick as rumored is in a woman's hands he may be booked to beat the favorite
If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be booked to beat the favorite. Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should prove a red hot combination, but with Extinguisher in the race might not bring in any money to burn. Animosity ev... If I might hold that hand again
If I might hold that hand again Clasped lovingly in mine, I'd little care what others sought-- That hand I held, lang syne! That hand! Oh, warm it was and soft! Soft? Ne'er was so soft a thing! ... If Pearl Street is crooked
If Pearl Street is crooked; Is Union Square? ... If said the druggist you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other
"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other." "Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less fatal." ... If the devil lost its tail where would he go to get another one
If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one? To a liquor store where they retail spirits. ...