It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on me own clothes
"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on
me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife
niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his
fayther."
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In this glorious land of the free you always have to pay for the
drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch
In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch. ... Irish foreman to gang of men in a sewer: How many men is down in that hole
Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down in that hole?" Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr." Irish foreman: "Then lave half of yez cum up." ... Irish stew said the restaurant guest
"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest. "Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter. ... Is a howling dog a sign of death
"Is a howling dog a sign of death?" Said Doolittle to Dunn. "Of course it is, if the dog will wait Until I get my gun." ... Is it raining girls
"Is it raining, girls?" "No," broke in Cumso; "only cats and dogs." ... Is the proprietor in
"Is the proprietor in?" asked the visitor to the planing mill. "I want to order some doors." "He's in," replied the smart office boy, "but I think he's out o' doors." ... Is this a fire insurance office
"Is this a fire insurance office?" "Yes, sir; can we write you some insurance?" "Perhaps you can. You see, my employer threatens to fire me next Saturday, and I'd like some protection." ... Is your friend the dentist a society chap
"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?" "Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings." ... ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars how could dey tell if we got it
ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars, how could dey tell if we got it? COHEN--Vell, dey mighd send it gollect undt see if ve paid for it. ... It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold rooms
"It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold rooms." "Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him." ... It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife Crystal because she is always on the watch
It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because she is always "on the watch." ... It was the morning after and he wanted a small favor
It was the morning after, and he wanted a small favor. "I admit that I am temporarily hard up," he said, "but that's because I can't realize." "Can't realize on what?" "On my thirst. If I could only sell that thirst for half what it cost m... It was this a-way jedge: Ye see I doled de cards and Jim Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings
"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings." "What did you have?" "Three aces, jedge, and----" "What did Jim do?" "Jim, he drew." "What did he draw?" "He drew a razzer... It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on me own clothes
"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his fayther." ... It's a good idea to make light of your troubles
"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it." ... It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes
"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes. "How's that?" "Marriage is always a tie." ... It's been a coal day when you're left said the kindling-wood to the cinder
"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in and fired both up. ... It's thrue said Paddy to Dennis one day it wor a grand soight
"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all about it." ... It's very puzzling said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors
"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors. "What's that?" "I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether the parrot is corrupting Willie." ... JACK--Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand
JACK--"Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand?" TOM--"Yes; but I didn't." "Didn't what?" "Suit her." ... JACK--My wife's a fine shot
JACK--"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time." FRED--"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime." ... Jackson never lights one of his cigars
"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why." "You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them." ... Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's
Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's? Wise--In self-defense. Jenks--in self-defence? Wise--Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point. ... JIM--Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward
JIM--"Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward?" PAT--"Because there's a hole on the other side." ... JIMSON--Now you wouldn't marry me would you
JIMSON--Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you? MISS SEARS--Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question? JIMSON--Just to decide a bet. ... John can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion
"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion?" "Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up again." ...