JONES--Well we had an addition to our family yesterday
JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday."
SMITH--"You don't say so? Boy or girl?"
JONES--"Neither. It's my wife's mother."
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Jackson never lights one of his cigars
"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why." "You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them." ... Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's
Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's? Wise--In self-defense. Jenks--in self-defence? Wise--Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point. ... JIM--Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward
JIM--"Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward?" PAT--"Because there's a hole on the other side." ... JIMSON--Now you wouldn't marry me would you
JIMSON--Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you? MISS SEARS--Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question? JIMSON--Just to decide a bet. ... John can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion
"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion?" "Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up again." ... JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day
JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach. TOM--That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle. ... JOHN--Say do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast
JOHN--Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast? TOM--Sure I do. JOHN--Glue it to the floor. ... JOHNNIE--Ya-as I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork
JOHNNIE--"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork. Ever been to Cork?" SOUBRETTE--"No--but I've seen a good many drawings of it." ... JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired
JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired? TOMMY--My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked before every meal. The doctor says she must take exercise on an empty stomach. ... Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a good man down
Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a good man down. ... Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow
"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow." ... Jones the dentist ought to make a good poker player
Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player. Why? He draws and fills so well. ... JONES--Well we had an addition to our family yesterday
JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday." SMITH--"You don't say so? Boy or girl?" JONES--"Neither. It's my wife's mother." ... JUDGE--You are charged with profanity
JUDGE--You are charged with profanity. PRISONER--I am not. JUDGE--You are, sir. What do you mean? PRISONER--I was, but I got rid of it. ... KICKSY--Wife can you tell me why I am like a hen
KICKSY--Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen? MRS. KICKSY--No, dear, why is it? KICKSY--Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it yesterday. ... KID--Did the dogs ever bite you
KID--Did the dogs ever bite you? GENT--What dogs? KID--The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you. ... Kind lady remarked the weary wayfarer can you oblige me with something to eat
"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with something to eat?" "Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady. ... Knock and the world knocks with you
Knock, and the world knocks with you; Boost, and you boost alone! When you roast good and loud You will find that the crowd Has a hammer as big as your own! ... Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)--It's merely a suggestion--the woodpile is in the back yard
Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)--It's merely a suggestion--the woodpile is in the back yard. Tramp--You don't say! What a splendid place for a woodpile! ... LADY--What
LADY--What! You here again? I don't believe you have done a thing all Summer. TRAMP--You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished doin' thirty days. ... LADY--Why do you remove your sword Lieutenant
LADY--Why do you remove your sword, Lieutenant? GALLANT OFFICER--My lovely miss, the fire from those eyes would compel the bravest soldier to surrender his arms. ... LANDLADY (proudly)--Nothing goes to waste in this house
LANDLADY (proudly)--Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make hash out of everything that's left over. BOARDER--(musingly)--But what do you do with the hash that's left over? LANDLADY--Re-hash it! ... Lawyer: Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death
Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death?" Boston Talesman: "I have." Lawyer: "What, is your objection?" Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die." ... Lawyers practice at the bar while bartenders and mosquitoes practice inside of it
Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes practice inside of it. ...