Let me see said the minister
"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage
certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it
not?"
"No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is only
my third!"
More
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Jones the dentist ought to make a good poker player
Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player. Why? He draws and fills so well. ... JONES--Well we had an addition to our family yesterday
JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday." SMITH--"You don't say so? Boy or girl?" JONES--"Neither. It's my wife's mother." ... JUDGE--You are charged with profanity
JUDGE--You are charged with profanity. PRISONER--I am not. JUDGE--You are, sir. What do you mean? PRISONER--I was, but I got rid of it. ... KICKSY--Wife can you tell me why I am like a hen
KICKSY--Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen? MRS. KICKSY--No, dear, why is it? KICKSY--Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it yesterday. ... KID--Did the dogs ever bite you
KID--Did the dogs ever bite you? GENT--What dogs? KID--The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you. ... Kind lady remarked the weary wayfarer can you oblige me with something to eat
"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with something to eat?" "Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady. ... Knock and the world knocks with you
Knock, and the world knocks with you; Boost, and you boost alone! When you roast good and loud You will find that the crowd Has a hammer as big as your own! ... Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)--It's merely a suggestion--the woodpile is in the back yard
Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)--It's merely a suggestion--the woodpile is in the back yard. Tramp--You don't say! What a splendid place for a woodpile! ... LADY--What
LADY--What! You here again? I don't believe you have done a thing all Summer. TRAMP--You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished doin' thirty days. ... LADY--Why do you remove your sword Lieutenant
LADY--Why do you remove your sword, Lieutenant? GALLANT OFFICER--My lovely miss, the fire from those eyes would compel the bravest soldier to surrender his arms. ... LANDLADY (proudly)--Nothing goes to waste in this house
LANDLADY (proudly)--Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make hash out of everything that's left over. BOARDER--(musingly)--But what do you do with the hash that's left over? LANDLADY--Re-hash it! ... Lawyer: Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death
Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death?" Boston Talesman: "I have." Lawyer: "What, is your objection?" Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die." ... Lawyers practice at the bar while bartenders and mosquitoes practice inside of it
Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes practice inside of it. ... Let me see said the minister
"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it not?" "No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is only my third!" ... Letters from a soldier of fortune--I
Letters from, a soldier of fortune--I.O.U. ... Little Mary quite contrary
Little Mary, quite contrary, How does your appetite grow? Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail, And a "friend" to supply all the dough! ... LITTLE WILLIE--Papa why does the railway company have those cases with the ax and saw in every car
LITTLE WILLIE--Papa, why does the railway company have those cases with the ax and saw in every car? FATHER--I presume they are put in to use in case anyone wants to open a window. ... Love they say is blind
Love they say is blind. Well: if so marriage must be an eye-opener. ... Lovett--You don't believe in divorce then
Lovett--You don't believe in divorce, then? Hayter--No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood. Lovett--What has that to do with it? Hayter--I believe in a fight to the finish. ... Ma what is a Panama man called
"Ma, what is a Panama man called?" "A Panaman, Johnny." "Then what is a Panama woman?" "If she's married and obeys President Roosevelt she's just a plain Panama." ... Mary had a little lamb But she thought it was immense: With new green peas and other things It cost her ninety cents
Mary had a little lamb, But she thought it was immense: With new green peas and other things It cost her ninety cents. ... Mary had a little waist Where waists were meant to grow And everywhere the fashions went Her waist was sure to go
Mary had a little waist Where waists were meant to grow, And everywhere the fashions went Her waist was sure to go. ... MASHINGTON--What's the matter with your clock
MASHINGTON--What's the matter with your clock? It's stopped. TAILOR--I never wind it up. I use it as a motto. "What do you mean?" "No tick here." ... Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes
"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes." "Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze." ... MAUD--How do you define love
MAUD--How do you define love? MARIE--Love is the life of illusion. "And what is marriage?" "Oh, marriage is the death of them." ... MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club
MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club? PAMELA--From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most of the time. ...