MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--How many are twice two Jackey
MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--"How many are twice two,
Jackey?"
JACKEY-"Tervice two ish six."
"You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch."
"Don't I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot
said six so dot you could Chew me down."
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Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes
"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes." "Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze." ... MAUD--How do you define love
MAUD--How do you define love? MARIE--Love is the life of illusion. "And what is marriage?" "Oh, marriage is the death of them." ... MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club
MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club? PAMELA--From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most of the time. ... Me eyes is crossed sighed Kate
"Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love," "Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber, 'Tis jist that aich is jealous of The beauty av its neighbor." ... MEDIUM--Do you believe in spirits
MEDIUM--Do you believe in spirits? BUSYMAN (off guard)--When taken in moderation, yes. ... Men are deceivers as a rule
Men are deceivers as a rule, And trust them far you never can; Though at confectioner's sometimes You may unearth a candied man! ... MERCHANT (to his confidential clerk)--Here's a letter from Mr
MERCHANT (to his confidential clerk)--Here's a letter from Mr. Slowpay, but no money. What's the matter with him? CLERK--Oh, he's all write. "Who's all write?" "Slowpay." But they didn't cheer any, for there's no cheer in such writing. ... Mike d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window
"Mike, d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?" "You did not. Tell me about it." "No use--you couldn't see through it." ... Mike--Yus poor Sullivan is dead
Mike--Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn't got an enemy in the world. Pat--What did he die of? Mike--Oh; he wur killed in a foight. ... Mirrors reflect without speaking and women often speak without reflecting
Mirrors reflect without speaking and women often speak without reflecting. ... Miss Prim is a very proper young lady
"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady." "Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano without a chaperon." ... MISTRESS (to cook who has fallen down stairs)--I hope that you did not hurt yourself Mary
MISTRESS (to cook who has fallen down stairs)--I hope that you did not hurt yourself, Mary? MARY--Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom. ... MISTRESS--I am not quite satisfied with your references
MISTRESS--"I am not quite satisfied with your references." APPLICANT--"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I could get!" ... MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--How many are twice two Jackey
MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--"How many are twice two, Jackey?" JACKEY-"Tervice two ish six." "You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch." "Don't I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot said six so dot you could Chew... MOSES--How did you make your money Ike
MOSES--"How did you make your money, Ike?" IKE--"By horse-razing." MOSES--"Vatt, not bedding?" IKE--"Naw--I started a pawnshop just by the oudside of de razetrack for de peoble who vanted to get home ven de razes was over." ... Mother may I go out to wheel
"Mother, may I go out to wheel?" "Yes, my darling daughter; I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts, Although I think you oughter." ... MOTHER--What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe
MOTHER--"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?" Innocent--"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?" Mother--"Certainly, my dear." Innocent--"Then I don't think he said anything." ... MR
MR. BIXBY--Have you noticed how much better I rest after a day's fishing? MRS. BIXBY--No; but I have noticed how much easier you lie after a day's fishing than upon other days. ... MR
MR. GREATHEAD, the landlord, says he prefers as tenants experienced chess player, because it is so seldom they move. ... MR
MR. B.--"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new baby, will you?" MRS. B.--"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold." ... MRS
MRS. PENDERGAST (in disgust)--You call these shades alike! Is there anything you can match? MR. PENDERGAST--Yes. Pennies. ... MRS
MRS. POWELL--"I have such an indulgent husband!" MRS. CAMERON (spitefully)--"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?" ... MRS
MRS. LIMBERCHIN--I was so mad last night I couldn't speak. MR. L.--And I was away! Just my luck! ... MRS
MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?" TILFORD--"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?" MRS. TILFORD (tartly)--"Now don't be silly. Noah built the ark." ... MRS
MRS. FUSSY--"John you're the most unreasonable man I ever met in my life." MR. FUSSY--"I don't doubt it. I'm the only one that ever married you." ... MRS
MRS. BENHAM--Our new minister's name is Stone. BENHAM--Well, there are sermons in stones. ...