More
-
MISTRESS--I am not quite satisfied with your references
MISTRESS--"I am not quite satisfied with your references." APPLICANT--"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I could get!" ... MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--How many are twice two Jackey
MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--"How many are twice two, Jackey?" JACKEY-"Tervice two ish six." "You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch." "Don't I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot said six so dot you could Chew... MOSES--How did you make your money Ike
MOSES--"How did you make your money, Ike?" IKE--"By horse-razing." MOSES--"Vatt, not bedding?" IKE--"Naw--I started a pawnshop just by the oudside of de razetrack for de peoble who vanted to get home ven de razes was over." ... Mother may I go out to wheel
"Mother, may I go out to wheel?" "Yes, my darling daughter; I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts, Although I think you oughter." ... MOTHER--What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe
MOTHER--"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?" Innocent--"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?" Mother--"Certainly, my dear." Innocent--"Then I don't think he said anything." ... MR
MR. BIXBY--Have you noticed how much better I rest after a day's fishing? MRS. BIXBY--No; but I have noticed how much easier you lie after a day's fishing than upon other days. ... MR
MR. GREATHEAD, the landlord, says he prefers as tenants experienced chess player, because it is so seldom they move. ... MR
MR. B.--"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new baby, will you?" MRS. B.--"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold." ... MRS
MRS. PENDERGAST (in disgust)--You call these shades alike! Is there anything you can match? MR. PENDERGAST--Yes. Pennies. ... MRS
MRS. POWELL--"I have such an indulgent husband!" MRS. CAMERON (spitefully)--"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?" ... MRS
MRS. LIMBERCHIN--I was so mad last night I couldn't speak. MR. L.--And I was away! Just my luck! ... MRS
MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?" TILFORD--"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?" MRS. TILFORD (tartly)--"Now don't be silly. Noah built the ark." ... MRS
MRS. FUSSY--"John you're the most unreasonable man I ever met in my life." MR. FUSSY--"I don't doubt it. I'm the only one that ever married you." ... MRS
MRS. BENHAM--Our new minister's name is Stone. BENHAM--Well, there are sermons in stones. ... MRS
MRS. SWELLERY--What is the matter with my husband, doctor? PHYSICIAN--Appendicitis, madam. MRS. S.--I am so glad. I was afraid he might have something unfashionable. ... MRS
MRS. B.--Have you seen the new dance called "The Automobile?" MR. B.--No; sort of breakdown, I suppose? ... My dear what makes you always yawn
"My dear, what makes you always yawn?" The wife exclaimed, her temper gone, "Is home so dull and dreary?" "Not so, my love," he said, "Not so; But man and wife are one, you know; And when alone I'm wear... My dentist has an eagle eye And vicious tools he hacks with He's clever but I've come to think He'd make a better blacksmith
My dentist has an eagle eye And vicious tools he hacks with, He's clever, but I've come to think He'd make a better blacksmith. ... My face is my fortune sir she said But her suitor saw right through her; She meant she could not cash a check Unless the banker knew her
"My face is my fortune, sir," she said, But her suitor saw right through her; She meant she could not cash a check, Unless the banker knew her. ... My friend said the long-coated old man solemnly have you made preparation for the day of judgment
"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you made preparation for the day of judgment?" "Sir," replied the young man, "that's how I make my living." "Young man!" "I'm employed in the sheriffs office." ... My girl's father is an undertaker
"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it." ... My lord said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his verdict we find the man who stole the mare not guilty
"My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare not guilty." ... My sister had a fright yesterday
"My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up her arm." "That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my trousers." ... My son said the good old man if you only work hard enough when you undertake a thing you're bound to be at the top when you've finished
"My son," said the good old man, "if you only work hard enough when you undertake a thing, you're bound to be at the top when you've finished." "But suppose I undertake to dig a well?" ...