Oh I am awfully worried
"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I
could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police
force."
More
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My girl's father is an undertaker
"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it." ... My lord said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his verdict we find the man who stole the mare not guilty
"My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare not guilty." ... My sister had a fright yesterday
"My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up her arm." "That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my trousers." ... My son said the good old man if you only work hard enough when you undertake a thing you're bound to be at the top when you've finished
"My son," said the good old man, "if you only work hard enough when you undertake a thing, you're bound to be at the top when you've finished." "But suppose I undertake to dig a well?" ... Nature never allows anything to run to waist
"Nature never allows anything to run to waist." "Humph! You've never seen a Vermont girl of forty." ... NEWLYWED-What do bachelors know about women
NEWLYWED-"What do bachelors know about women?" OLDBACH-"Lots; otherwise they would not be bachelors." ... No indeed she said I can never be your wife
"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had half a dozen offers before yours." "Huh!" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I proposed to at least a dozen girls before I met you." ... Nothing can make a woman so superlatively happy as to have a baby of her own to kiss exclaimed Mrs
"Nothing can make a woman so superlatively happy as to have a baby of her own to kiss," exclaimed Mrs. McBride, rapturously, as she fondled her firstborn. "My dear," replied her husband, pityingly, "you can never know the unutterable joy of bei... Now comes the question which will make This life a bitter cup
Now comes the question which will make This life a bitter cup.... How many hoopskirts will it take To fill a trolley car up? ... Now why remarked the little dog in speaking to the tree Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me
"Now, why," remarked the little dog, in speaking to the tree, "Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me?" The tree gave the conundrum up. The pup, with wisdom dark, Explained the matter saying, "It is farthest fro... Of all the saws That I ever saw saw I never saw a saw Saw like this saw saws
Of all the saws That I ever saw saw, I never saw a saw Saw like this saw saws. ... Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: Her eyes chained him to the spit
Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been links-eyed. ... Oh I am awfully worried
"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police force." ... Oh live and let live my man
"Oh, live and let live, my man." "Yes, I'd look well, wouldn't I? I'm a butcher." ... Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad
Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad! Oh, the gladness of her gladness when she's glad! But the sadness of her sadness, And the gladness of her gladness, Are nothing to her madness when she's mad! ... Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop
"Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop." "Must have been a very heavy one." "About four hundred tons." "Horrible!" "You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight train ran off the track and dropped on him." "But how... OLD LADY (at a ball game)--Why do they call that a fowl
OLD LADY (at a ball game)--"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't see no feathers." O'RILEY--"No ma'am. It's a picked nine." ... One day in the dining-car the boy across the aisle got to laughing so he couldn't stop
"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in spanking a boy on a full stomach.' I said, 'neither do I. Turn him ov... Only a silver watch said the pawnbroker
"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case." "Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but--er--circumstances alter cases, you know." ... Only tells half
But entre nous, that legend of yore Only tells half; they cried for more! ... Only the highest element in local society was invited to the ball
"Only the highest element in local society was invited to the ball." "Oh, I see! It was a high-ball." ... Our new Congressman has made himself very popular
"Our new Congressman has made himself very popular." "What has he done?" "Introduced a bill declaring it a penal offence for a man to ask for a haircut or shampoo on Saturday afternoon." ... Pa said little Williewho had been reading a treatise on
"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?" "Why--er--a railroad collision, I suppose," ... Pa what branches did you take when you went to school
"Pa, what branches did you take when you went to school?" "I never went to high school, son, but when I attended the little log school-house they used mostly hickory and beech and willow." ...