So Maude is happily married
"So Maude is happily married?"
"Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist,
who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."
More
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SHE--You look as though you had raised Ned at your club last
night
SHE--You look as though you had raised Ned at your club last night. HE--I did; and, what is worse, he raised me back. ... SHE--You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day
SHE--"You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day?" HE--"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times." SHE--"And what are you putting the oil on it for?" HE--"To stop it stopping." ... SHE--You used to call me the light of your life
SHE--"You used to call me the light of your life." HE--"Ah, but I had no idea then how much it would cost to keep it burning." ... SIBLY--When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of water
SIBLY--When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of water. TIRPIE--Why shouldn't he? He knew he was caught. ... SILLICUS--Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter
SILLICUS--Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter? CYNICUS--I hope so. Few of us really know each other here. ... Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat
"Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat." "Well, you must remember that we are one now." ... Sing not to me of falling dew Upon the purple hills For I am worried far too much By falling due of bills
Sing not to me of falling dew Upon the purple hills, For I am worried far too much By falling due of bills. ... SLOPAY--And doctor if you will I wish you would give me something to help my memory
SLOPAY--"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me something to help my memory. I forget so easily." DOCTOR--"Very well. I'll send you a bill every month." ... SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning
SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning. JONES--Indeed! I didn't see it. What was it? SMITH--His spring overcoat. He was taking it to the tailor to be pressed and cleaned. ... SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts
SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts. JONES--What's that? SMITH--The Easter bonnet. ... SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve
SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve. JONES--The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter! ... So her second husband is a tenor
"So her second husband is a tenor?" "Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!" ... So Maude is happily married
"So Maude is happily married?" "Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist, who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire." ... So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove
"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a good deal?" "Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she was warranted to stay two years!" ... So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy were you
"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?" "No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all ... SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire. ISAAC ISAACS--Vy? SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Vell, he took oud an inshoorance bolicy yeste'day. ... Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up
Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up. ... Some men are easily satisfied remarked the Observer of Events and Things
"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never gets any extra pay, and yet every day he works overtime." ... Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget
Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget. ... Some men get up with the lark while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning
Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning. ... Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others but when we get to the cemetery we will all be on the dead level
Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level. ... Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once
Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was not bothered any more during the remainder of his spe... Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles
Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles. ... Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks remarked a Portland commercial traveller the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor
"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I sa...