Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks remarked a Portland commercial traveller the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor
"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland
commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near
Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed
and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I saw a
couple of large rats just escaping into their hole. I dressed and
went down to the office and put in a big kick. The clerk was as
serene as a summer's breeze.
"'I'll fix that, all right, sir,' he said. 'Front! Take a cat to
23 at once.'"
More
-
SLOPAY--And doctor if you will I wish you would give me
something to help my memory
SLOPAY--"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me something to help my memory. I forget so easily." DOCTOR--"Very well. I'll send you a bill every month." ... SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning
SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning. JONES--Indeed! I didn't see it. What was it? SMITH--His spring overcoat. He was taking it to the tailor to be pressed and cleaned. ... SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts
SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts. JONES--What's that? SMITH--The Easter bonnet. ... SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve
SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve. JONES--The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter! ... So her second husband is a tenor
"So her second husband is a tenor?" "Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!" ... So Maude is happily married
"So Maude is happily married?" "Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist, who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire." ... So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove
"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a good deal?" "Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she was warranted to stay two years!" ... So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy were you
"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?" "No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all ... SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire. ISAAC ISAACS--Vy? SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Vell, he took oud an inshoorance bolicy yeste'day. ... Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up
Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up. ... Some men are easily satisfied remarked the Observer of Events and Things
"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never gets any extra pay, and yet every day he works overtime." ... Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget
Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget. ... Some men get up with the lark while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning
Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning. ... Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others but when we get to the cemetery we will all be on the dead level
Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level. ... Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once
Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was not bothered any more during the remainder of his spe... Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles
Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles. ... Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks remarked a Portland commercial traveller the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor
"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I sa... SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS
SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS. 1--Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter. 2--Guests wishing to get up without being called can have self-raising flour for supper. 3--The hotel is supported by a beautiful cemetery; hearse... STRANGER--Boy can you direct me to the bank
STRANGER--"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?" BOY--"I kin for a quarter." STRANGER--"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?" BOY--"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high pay, you see, sir!" ... STUDENT--Professor which is the logical way of reaching a conclusion
STUDENT--Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a conclusion? PROFESSOR--Take a train of thought, my boy. ... SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a house built upon a rock
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a "house built upon a rock?" SUNDAY SCHOOL SCHOLAR--A Harlem flat. ... SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published
SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published. PRIMLY--Indeed! What book? SWATTER--The directory. ... Take away my first letter take away my second letter take away all my letters and I am still the same
Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman. ... TEACHER OF DRAWING CLASS--Willie tell me how you would make a maltese cross
TEACHER OF DRAWING CLASS--"Willie, tell me how you would make a maltese cross." WILLIE--"Step on his tail, mum." ... TEACHER--Johnny can you tell me what a section boss is
TEACHER--Johnny, can you tell me what a section boss is? JOHNNY--The conductor of a sleeping-car. ... TEACHER--Thomas can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in
TEACHER--Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in? TOMMY (after a moment's reflection)--I think it was his last. ... TEACHER--When does suicide become a crime
TEACHER--When does suicide become a crime? SMART BOY--When it becomes a confirmed habit. "Nonsense, sir. Why is suicide a crime?" "Because it injures the health." ... TEACHER--Yes dear; ova refers to an egg
TEACHER--Yes, dear; ova refers to an egg. WILLY--Then when they throw bad eggs at an actor he gets a literal ovation, I s'pose. ... Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that's why females are always employed in that capacity
Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that's why females are always employed in that capacity. ... That cook would make a good baseball player
"That cook would make a good baseball player." "Why so?" "A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and the way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight to rush an umpire into an early grave." ... That man has had five wives
"That man has had five wives." "Tandem or simultaneously?" "I don't understand." "Is he a Mormon or a Chicago man?" ... That said the loaf pointing to the oven is where I was bred
"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was bred." ...