SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS
SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS.
1--Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter.
2--Guests wishing to get up without being called can have
self-raising flour for supper.
3--The hotel is supported by a beautiful cemetery; hearses to
hire, 25c. a day.
4--Guests wishing to do a little driving will find a hammer and
nails in the closet.
5--If the room gets too warm, open the window and see the fire
escape.
6--If you're fond of athletics and like good jumping, lift the
mattress and see the bed spring.
7--If your lamp goes out, take a feather out of the pillow; that's
light enough for any room.
8--Any one troubled with nightmare will find a halter on the
bed-post.
9--Don't worry about paying your bill; the house is supported by
the foundation.
J. WISE, Prop.
More
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SILLICUS--Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter
SILLICUS--Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter? CYNICUS--I hope so. Few of us really know each other here. ... Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat
"Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat." "Well, you must remember that we are one now." ... Sing not to me of falling dew Upon the purple hills For I am worried far too much By falling due of bills
Sing not to me of falling dew Upon the purple hills, For I am worried far too much By falling due of bills. ... SLOPAY--And doctor if you will I wish you would give me something to help my memory
SLOPAY--"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me something to help my memory. I forget so easily." DOCTOR--"Very well. I'll send you a bill every month." ... SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning
SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning. JONES--Indeed! I didn't see it. What was it? SMITH--His spring overcoat. He was taking it to the tailor to be pressed and cleaned. ... SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts
SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts. JONES--What's that? SMITH--The Easter bonnet. ... SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve
SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve. JONES--The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter! ... So her second husband is a tenor
"So her second husband is a tenor?" "Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!" ... So Maude is happily married
"So Maude is happily married?" "Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist, who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire." ... So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove
"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a good deal?" "Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she was warranted to stay two years!" ... So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy were you
"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?" "No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all ... SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire. ISAAC ISAACS--Vy? SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Vell, he took oud an inshoorance bolicy yeste'day. ... Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up
Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up. ... Some men are easily satisfied remarked the Observer of Events and Things
"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never gets any extra pay, and yet every day he works overtime." ... Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget
Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget. ... Some men get up with the lark while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning
Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning. ... Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others but when we get to the cemetery we will all be on the dead level
Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level. ... Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once
Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was not bothered any more during the remainder of his spe... Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles
Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles. ... Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks remarked a Portland commercial traveller the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor
"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I sa... SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS
SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS. 1--Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter. 2--Guests wishing to get up without being called can have self-raising flour for supper. 3--The hotel is supported by a beautiful cemetery; hearse... STRANGER--Boy can you direct me to the bank
STRANGER--"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?" BOY--"I kin for a quarter." STRANGER--"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?" BOY--"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high pay, you see, sir!" ... STUDENT--Professor which is the logical way of reaching a conclusion
STUDENT--Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a conclusion? PROFESSOR--Take a train of thought, my boy. ... SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a house built upon a rock
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a "house built upon a rock?" SUNDAY SCHOOL SCHOLAR--A Harlem flat. ... SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published
SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published. PRIMLY--Indeed! What book? SWATTER--The directory. ... Take away my first letter take away my second letter take away all my letters and I am still the same
Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman. ... TEACHER OF DRAWING CLASS--Willie tell me how you would make a maltese cross
TEACHER OF DRAWING CLASS--"Willie, tell me how you would make a maltese cross." WILLIE--"Step on his tail, mum." ... TEACHER--Johnny can you tell me what a section boss is
TEACHER--Johnny, can you tell me what a section boss is? JOHNNY--The conductor of a sleeping-car. ... TEACHER--Thomas can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in
TEACHER--Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in? TOMMY (after a moment's reflection)--I think it was his last. ... TEACHER--When does suicide become a crime
TEACHER--When does suicide become a crime? SMART BOY--When it becomes a confirmed habit. "Nonsense, sir. Why is suicide a crime?" "Because it injures the health." ... TEACHER--Yes dear; ova refers to an egg
TEACHER--Yes, dear; ova refers to an egg. WILLY--Then when they throw bad eggs at an actor he gets a literal ovation, I s'pose. ... Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that's why females are always employed in that capacity
Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that's why females are always employed in that capacity. ... That cook would make a good baseball player
"That cook would make a good baseball player." "Why so?" "A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and the way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight to rush an umpire into an early grave." ... That man has had five wives
"That man has had five wives." "Tandem or simultaneously?" "I don't understand." "Is he a Mormon or a Chicago man?" ... That said the loaf pointing to the oven is where I was bred
"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was bred." ... That sounds like the charity bawl said the nurse as the babies in the orphan asylum began to yell
"That sounds like the charity bawl," said the nurse, as the babies in the orphan asylum began to yell. ... That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice
"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of his notes for half a minute." "Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years." ... That was a pretty good dog story wasn't it
"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie, as he finished telling one. "Yes," replied Gaswell; "but it was too long. It ought to have been curtailed." ... That young gentleman has a very taking manner said one young lady to another at a party of a young man who had just left them
"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left them. "Yes," was the reply, "that's his business." "His business? What is he?" "A photographer." ... THE BARBER--Did I ever shave you before
THE BARBER--Did I ever shave you before? THE VICTIM--Yes, once. THE BARBER--I don't remember your face. THE VICTIM--No; I suppose not. It's all healed up now. ...