TRAMP--Can't you give a poor man something to eat
TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in
the war and can't work."
Woman-"Where was you shot?"
"In the spinal column, mum."
"Go 'way! There was no such battle."
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This liver is awful Maud said Mr
"This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed. "I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to speak to the livery-man about it." ... This murmured the demure maiden when her lover nudged up still closer on the sofa is the closest call I've ever had
"This," murmured the demure maiden, when her lover nudged up still closer on the sofa, "is the closest call I've ever had." ... This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel
"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel." "What possible connection is there between the two?" "It's practically having words over nothing." ... Three women may a secret keep If as it has been said There's one of the lot has heard it not And the other two are dead
Three women may a secret keep If, as it has been said, There's one of the lot has heard it not And the other two are dead. ... To-morrow never comes they say; But all such talk is idle gush For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush
To-morrow never comes, they say; But all such talk is idle gush, For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush. ... Tom--I kissed her when she wasn't looking
Tom--I kissed her when she wasn't looking. Clara--What did she do? Tom--Kept her eyes closed the rest of the evening. ... TOM--I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day
TOM--"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day. What did he hit?" DICK--"Nothing." HARRY--"Why, I heard he shot himself in the foot." DICK--"That's what I said." ... Tom--What's that
Tom--What's that? A two-dollar bill! You told me this morning that you were broke. Jack--Well, I want you to understand that Japan isn't the only one that can borrow money. ... TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me
TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me. ANDARRY--Ah! You want one ready maid. ... Tommy said mamma tearfully it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you
"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you." TOMMY (also tearfully)--Mebbe it does, but not in the same place. ... TOMMY--Pa did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase
TOMMY--Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase? PA--Just come here, sir, and I'll show you. TOMMY--Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it. ... TOMMY--Yes cats can see in the dark and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr
TOMMY--Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arthur, you didn't get shaved to-day." ... Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers
"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal umpires. One life for each inning." ... TRAMP--Can't you give a poor man something to eat
TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in the war and can't work." Woman-"Where was you shot?" "In the spinal column, mum." "Go 'way! There was no such battle." ... Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring
Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring. Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey, how dirty you are!" "Vell, what you tink?" said Abey, "I'm three years older dan you." ... Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair
Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure, it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell me so," said Moran. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an' I've got a fine h... Two wrongs don't make a right
"Two wrongs don't make a right." "Yes, they do." "How so?" "Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that was wrong, but it made me right." ... VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you for publication
VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you for publication? EDITOR--No, not very much poetry as a rule; some of it is verse, and some of it is worse. ... VISITOR--Oh what a nice parrot you've got
VISITOR--"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly want a cracker?" PARROT--"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I look." ... We are told that Gen
We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a tack. ... We don't always know just how the other half lives; but in Chicago the better half lives on her alimony
We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony. ... We have German bands and French bands and American bands but you never hear of an Irish band
"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn't have one. Every man would want to be leader." ... We mustn't kiss the baby we mustn't kiss the kid We mustn't kiss the dainty miss so scientists affirm; To pounce upon and wrastle us there waits the awful bacillus The sempiternal most infernal omnipresent germ
We mustn't kiss the baby, we mustn't kiss the kid, We mustn't kiss the dainty miss, so scientists affirm; To pounce upon and "wrastle" us there waits the awful bacillus, The sempiternal, most infernal omnipresent germ. ... We should never complain whatever may befall us said the minister
"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the minister. "The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy." "Do you really think so?" she sighed. "Yes," returned the good man; "the first woman who complained of her Lot, was tu... We're all often forced to rob Peter In order to settle with Paul But some of us merely rob Peter And Paul never sees us at all
We're all often forced to rob Peter In order to settle with Paul, But some of us merely rob Peter And Paul never sees us at all. ... WEEKS--Well how are things over in Boston
WEEKS--Well, how are things over in Boston? Have they named any new pie "Aristotle" yet? WENTMAN--No-o. But I heard a man there ask for a Plato soup. ...