WIFE--Got a dollar
WIFE--"Got a dollar?"
HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?"
"Gone."
"I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could."
"I did."
"Doesn't look like it."
"Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen."
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Why do they make those Oriental pipes with bowls as big as water
pitchers
"Why do they make those Oriental pipes with bowls as big as water pitchers?" asked the inquisitive girl. "Those," answered the wise woman, "are for men who have promised that they will confine their smoking to one pipe after each meal." ... Why do you call him 'Mr
"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name." "I know. But he's such a bore!" ... Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer
"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer." "Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain't the worst of it." "No?" "No, sir; his wife takes hush money." "You don't say so!" "I do. She's a child nurse." ... Why do you call your dog hardware
"Why do you call your dog hardware?" "Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door." ... Why does a donkey eat thistles
"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of the largest boys in the class. "Because he is an ass, I reckon." ... Why don't you demand $50000 instead of $5000
"Why don't you demand $50,000 instead of $5,000?" said the lawyer. "Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit. "Then he might change his mind and want to marry me." ... Why is a kiss like the three graces
"Why is a kiss like the three graces?" "Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old maid." ... Why is a railroad train like a bedbug
Why is a railroad train like a bedbug? It runs over the sleepers. ... Why is Miss B---- wearing black
"Why is Miss B---- wearing black?" "She is in mourning for her husband." "Why, she never had a husband!" "No, that is why she mourns." ... Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady
"Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?" "Because it is never felt." ... Why so glum Blumly
"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?" "Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends." "By death or marriage?" "Neither. I loaned them money." ... Why the bare idea
"Why, the bare idea!" "Of what, dear?" "Telling the naked truth!" ... Widowhood makes a woman unselfish
"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for Number Two." ... WIFE--Got a dollar
WIFE--"Got a dollar?" HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?" "Gone." "I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could." "I did." "Doesn't look like it." "Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen." ... WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green my darling
WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling? HUSBAND--No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it. "For what reason?" "Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig up your body." "How will the planting of violets upon my ... Will the coming man use both arms
"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if he can trust the girl to handle the reins." ... With cards and dice and dress and friends My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends And thus make both ends meet
With cards and dice, and dress and friends, My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends, And thus make both ends meet. ... Women my boy said a parent to his son are a delusion and a snare
"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snare... Would you said the reporter who gets novel interviews tell me what book helped you most in life
"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell me what book helped you most in life?" After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book." ... YANKEE--I say Britisher can you spell horse
YANKEE--"I say, Britisher, can you spell horse?" ENGLISHMAN--"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a haitch and a ho and a har and a hess and a he to spell 'orse." ... YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs
YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs? CRIMSONBEAK--No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after they were dead. ... Yes dear said the petted young wife examining her Christmas gift these diamond earrings are pretty but the stones are awfully small
"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are awfully small." "Of course, my dear," replied the diplomat husband, "but if they were any larger they'd be all out of ... Yes he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud
"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud?" "Why shouldn't he be proud?" "Well, pride goes before a fall, you know." ... Yes I have seen the day when Mr
"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet." "And when was that, pray?" "At the time he was bathing." ... Yes indeed he's the homeliest man in public life to-day
"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day. Haven't you ever seen him?" "No, but I've seen caricatures of him." "Oh, they flatter him. You should see him." ... Yes said a landlord sadly whose tenant had made a moonlight flitting appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are still more so
"Yes" said a landlord, sadly, whose tenant had made a moonlight "flitting," "appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are still more so." ...