A Good Plan
_She:_ "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can
we give them?"
"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."
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More
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A Bad Case
"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?" "Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he had sat up over an hour trying to think." "And did he finally reme... A Bad Night
The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel--one with a private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked: "Did you have a good night's rest?" "Well, no, I did... A Chance Lost
"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?" "I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said _which_ one." * * * _He:_ "I never knew until ... A Close Call
Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the first time of his life, his amazement was great. The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled h... A Consoling Thought
_Belated Traveller_ (_surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the station_): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all." * * * ... A Dreadful Possibility
_Elsie:_ "When is my birthday, Mother?" _Her Mother:_ "On the thirty-first of this month, dear." _Elsie:_ "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?" * * * ... A Friend In Need
What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the man who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much affected. "You thought a great ... A Future Financier
"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!" "I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly. "You're a very good boy not to have told!... A Good Actor
_Neighbour:_ "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm." _Farmer:_ "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was working the last week he was here." * * * ... A Good Match
_Proprietor:_ "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?" _Assistant:_ "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and I showed him a soft hat." * * * ... A Good Plan
_She:_ "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can we give them?" "We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me." * * * ... A Great Athlete
Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics. "Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold medal in a f... A Great Light
The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's mate. "How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked. "I don't know," the gob confessed. "Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?" "Twelve o'clock." ... A Humbling Sight
An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On receiving the first impression she failed ... A Level-headed Car
_Irate Motorist:_ "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine!" _Dealer:_ "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'" * * * ... A Linguist
"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met." "In what way?" "She can keep silence in four different languages." * * * ... A Lovers' Quarrel
_George:_ "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?" _Kate:_ "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what they quarreled about." * * * ... A Magic Healer
During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped into the doctor's to have them attended to. "Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, ... A Natural Picture
A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together, and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder." "H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natur... A Noble Aim
_She:_ "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?" "Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and everybody except the members." * * * ... A Qualified Statement
"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one be here?" "If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and the swing bridge isn't o... A Question Of Locality
"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him reaching for the strap?" "Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home." * ... A Solution
_The Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would have returned them unopened." _The Maid:_ "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist back unopened?" * * * ...