A Solution
_The Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would
have returned them unopened."
_The Maid:_ "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist
back unopened?"
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More
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A Good Match
_Proprietor:_ "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?" _Assistant:_ "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and I showed him a soft hat." * * * ... A Good Plan
_She:_ "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can we give them?" "We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me." * * * ... A Great Athlete
Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics. "Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold medal in a f... A Great Light
The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's mate. "How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked. "I don't know," the gob confessed. "Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?" "Twelve o'clock." ... A Humbling Sight
An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On receiving the first impression she failed ... A Level-headed Car
_Irate Motorist:_ "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine!" _Dealer:_ "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'" * * * ... A Linguist
"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met." "In what way?" "She can keep silence in four different languages." * * * ... A Lovers' Quarrel
_George:_ "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?" _Kate:_ "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what they quarreled about." * * * ... A Magic Healer
During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped into the doctor's to have them attended to. "Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, ... A Natural Picture
A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together, and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder." "H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natur... A Noble Aim
_She:_ "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?" "Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and everybody except the members." * * * ... A Qualified Statement
"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one be here?" "If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and the swing bridge isn't o... A Question Of Locality
"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him reaching for the strap?" "Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home." * ... A Solution
_The Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would have returned them unopened." _The Maid:_ "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist back unopened?" * * * ... A Soothing Effect
"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?" "No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney." * * * ... A Subtle Distinction
"I say--come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'." "Thanks--but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning, you know." * * * _Specialist_ (_to patient suffering from insom... A Wonder!
"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown. "That so?" asked Smith. "Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and not have a solitary symptom of some disease." * * ... A Young Philosopher
"Mamma!" "What is it, dear?" "It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know the answer to." * * * ... Absentmindedness
The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him, for he was ... Acquaintance
The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many the carryall would hold. "Fower generally," was the answer. "Likely sax, if they're weel aquaint." ... Actors
The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally. "The ostrich," he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighing anywhere from two to four pounds." ... Advertising
The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did. "Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks... Affection
There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the incident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on calling to condole with the parents found the f... Alibi
The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic--all in vain. Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and cried: "John Henry, are you out there... All Brains
A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture, and a weak-looking little cripple, who,... All In One Breath
_Wife:_ "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the way, what are _you_ going to buy him?" ...