Betrothal
The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the
kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the
nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired:
"When are you to be married, Nora?"
"Indade, an' it's niver at all, I'll be thinkin', mum," the cook
answered sadly.
"Really? Why, what is the trouble?"
The reply was explicit:
"'Tis this, mum. I won't marry Mike when he's drunk, an' he won't marry
me when he's sober."
* * *
The delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his ability as a
presiding officer. The girl questioned him:
"What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to call for a vote?"
The answer was given with proud certainty:
"Are you ready for the question?"
"Yes, dearest," the girl confessed shyly. "Go ahead."
More
-
Appetite
The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred: "Who are you?" "I am Enoch, the egg king." "What is your specialty?" "I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen ... Appreciation
The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some surprise, and remarked: "I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth." "Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the ... Argument
"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg." "Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?" "Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' cou... Arranged To Fit
_Elsie:_ "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an' eat it all up." _Mother:_ "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick." _Elsie:_ "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first." * ... Art And Nature
_Husband:_ "What was that you were playing, my dear?" _Wife:_ "Did you like it?" "It was lovely--the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!" "It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was horrid." "Well, the steak was burn... Athletics
The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her after field day, at which she had been present. "And how they did applaud when you broke that record!" Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly. "Pa didn't appl... Authors
A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors. These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he excused himself from the table with... Babies
The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed gaze attracted the mother's attention... Bad Both Ways
_Dobb:_ "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?" _Botham:_ "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter." "And did you post it?" "No; she forgot to give it to me!" * * * ... Bait
A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy had fallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad, and succeeded in getting him safely to t... Baldness
A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out. "Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged. "Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box. ... Baptism
On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of his bottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess over the christening robe. The mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelled to hand over the child in its mussed ... Baptists
The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist. Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired the reason for his change of sect. The old man explained fully. "Fust off, I was 'Piscopal, but I hain't learned, ... Baseball
The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave him an additional five minutes, callin... Battle
_Teacher:_ "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden slain?" _Pupil:_ "I'm pretty sure it was the last one." ... Bears
The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a small clearing, he faced about with his back to a st... Beer
The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of prohibition--possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows: "Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some ee... Beggars
The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the profiteer: "If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door." The mistress sniffed contemptuously: "Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend." ... Beginners
A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable things. The passenger, naturally enoug... Betrothal
The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired: "When are you to be married, Nora?" "Indade, an' it's niver at... Better Unsaid
_Cholly Lyttlebrayne:_ "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars." _Miss Thotless:_ "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!" * * * ... Bigamy
What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. * * * The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years. He s... Birth
The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to the stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for more. "What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked. The mother read the placard, and answered that... Black Superstition
_Architect:_ "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?" _Quickrich:_ "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study." * * * ... Blessing
The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfe... Blind
A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper chuckled, and pointed to the window. "I ... Blindness
The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time. "And, of course," she commente... Blockhead
The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his finger. "Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch your head." ... Blood Relations
_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?" _Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me." * * * There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and a cab. The c... Blue Blood
_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?" _Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us." * * * _Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly,... Bone Of Contention
The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat fellow-passenger. "I caught you that time!" the fat ... Bottled Courage
"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?" "My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose." * ... Breakfast
The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel: "You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast." "An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully. The Colonel... Brevity
The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars, afte... Bribery
A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to the captain, with the direction th... Brutality
Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called the conductor as referee. "If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die." "If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certain... Burglary
A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line: "Guess who sent them." The pair had much a... But He's On His Way
Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him. "What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked. "Suh?" "I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?" U...