Blue Blood
_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?"
_Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal
could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."
* * *
_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are we
all getting married?"
* * *
<
_Small Girl:_ "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."
_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married
_years_ ago."
* * *
"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"
"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more
yer does a bit o' work for it."
* * *
_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have the
afternoon off, Sir? My grand----"
_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last
week."
_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather's getting married again
this afternoon."
* * *
_Minister's Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why you
weren't in the habit of attending church."
_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's
Sundays."
* * *
"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine."
"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"
* * *
_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."
_Cook:_ "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near
broke me jaw already."
* * *
_Gushing Lady:_ "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest
fellow too."
_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"
* * *
_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel
very bad, dear?"
_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I'm only dying."
* * *
_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"
_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"
_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."
_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."
* * *
_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear
father with quite the proper respect."
_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."
* * *
_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn't you manage one more _éclair?_"
_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I've no more room."
_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would
that help?"
_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make
the space at the wrong end."
* * *
_Vicar's Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"
_Ethel:_ "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for
his birthday."
_Vicar's Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"
_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's
friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the
author's compliments.'"
* * *
More
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An Error In Judgment
_Mother:_ "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys don't fight." _Johnnie:_ "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, but after I hit him once, I found he wasn't." * * *... An Extensive Love
_She:_ "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on." _He:_ "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she is." * * * ... Anatomy
The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his message in these words: "Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!" ... Answered
_She:_ "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?" _He:_ "A bachelor." * * * ... Apologizing
"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?" "Yes! I am." "Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about you." * * * ... Appearance
Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in her eyes as she addressed him reb... Appearances
The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said: "May I have the pleasure of this dance?" Two wallflowers answered as with one voice: "With pleasure." ... Appetite
The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred: "Who are you?" "I am Enoch, the egg king." "What is your specialty?" "I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen ... Appreciation
The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some surprise, and remarked: "I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth." "Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the ... Argument
"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg." "Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?" "Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' cou... Arranged To Fit
_Elsie:_ "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an' eat it all up." _Mother:_ "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick." _Elsie:_ "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first." * ... Art And Nature
_Husband:_ "What was that you were playing, my dear?" _Wife:_ "Did you like it?" "It was lovely--the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!" "It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was horrid." "Well, the steak was burn... Athletics
The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her after field day, at which she had been present. "And how they did applaud when you broke that record!" Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly. "Pa didn't appl... Authors
A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors. These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he excused himself from the table with... Babies
The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed gaze attracted the mother's attention... Bad Both Ways
_Dobb:_ "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?" _Botham:_ "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter." "And did you post it?" "No; she forgot to give it to me!" * * * ... Bait
A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy had fallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad, and succeeded in getting him safely to t... Baldness
A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out. "Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged. "Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box. ... Baptism
On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of his bottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess over the christening robe. The mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelled to hand over the child in its mussed ... Baptists
The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist. Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired the reason for his change of sect. The old man explained fully. "Fust off, I was 'Piscopal, but I hain't learned, ... Baseball
The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave him an additional five minutes, callin... Battle
_Teacher:_ "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden slain?" _Pupil:_ "I'm pretty sure it was the last one." ... Bears
The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a small clearing, he faced about with his back to a st... Beer
The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of prohibition--possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows: "Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some ee... Beggars
The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the profiteer: "If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door." The mistress sniffed contemptuously: "Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend." ... Beginners
A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable things. The passenger, naturally enoug... Betrothal
The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired: "When are you to be married, Nora?" "Indade, an' it's niver at... Better Unsaid
_Cholly Lyttlebrayne:_ "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars." _Miss Thotless:_ "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!" * * * ... Bigamy
What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. * * * The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years. He s... Birth
The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to the stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for more. "What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked. The mother read the placard, and answered that... Black Superstition
_Architect:_ "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?" _Quickrich:_ "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study." * * * ... Blessing
The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfe... Blind
A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper chuckled, and pointed to the window. "I ... Blindness
The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time. "And, of course," she commente... Blockhead
The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his finger. "Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch your head." ... Blood Relations
_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?" _Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me." * * * There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and a cab. The c... Blue Blood
_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?" _Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us." * * * _Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly,... Bone Of Contention
The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat fellow-passenger. "I caught you that time!" the fat ... Bottled Courage
"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?" "My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose." * ... Breakfast
The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel: "You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast." "An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully. The Colonel... Brevity
The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars, afte... Bribery
A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to the captain, with the direction th... Brutality
Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called the conductor as referee. "If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die." "If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certain... Burglary
A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line: "Guess who sent them." The pair had much a... But He's On His Way
Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him. "What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked. "Suh?" "I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?" U... Calmness
In Bret Harte's _Mary McGillup_, there is a notable description of calmness in most trying circumstances. "'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer. "In a moment I was perfectly calm. W... Candor
Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called. "I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise. The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered absent-mindedly: "Yes, you certainly do." "Oh, you... Cards
A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two hours later, the jug was gone. He ... Carelessness
The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons. "My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket." ... Caterpillars
The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the can, much perplexed. "Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?" "They climb tre... Cats
Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much pride as ever a policeman had in h... Cause And Effect
"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness." "Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one." * * * "He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer say... Cause And Effect
"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill." "Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect." * * * ... Caustic
A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn, and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to suggest that he had better bring i... Changing Places
"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage." "She has evidently reversed the order of things." "How so?" "_She_ does the dictating now." * * * ... Changing The Subject
_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening." _He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better." _She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _you_ talk about me for a while." *... Charity
"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who was passing. "A Sister of Charity," was the answer. "Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?" ... Chicken-stealing
The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open and curtly ordered: "Come out of there, you ornery thief!" There was silence for a few seconds, except ... Christianity
A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth. Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it fearfully, in apprehension that it might b... Christmas
A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a colored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested to the darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug of the best whiskey. The colored ... Church
The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when the boxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the pew, and noticed that a guest of his ... Claiming Acquaintance
_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm." _Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct." * * * ... Classified
_Mrs. Bargain:_ "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the money for a new hat." _Mr. Bargain:_ "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'" * * * ... Cleanliness
The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party, and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and said: "Please, mother, may I sit on m... Community
The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty girl, received information that led him to question her: "Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed, George and Harry, as well as me?" The you... Compensation
Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper: "'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket." ... Compliments
"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past. "Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a titter. The bachelor retorted with icy disdain: ... Concealment
The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone down the street on an errand. S... Conceit
"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked in a tone that was far from humble. "Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better than other folks' virtues." ... Conditional
_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter." _Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back." ... Conscience
The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her sister, two years older: "When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you." "It's... Conservative
He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted. A doz...