Doctors
A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be
examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient
that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.
"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a
great deal of experience with this disease."
The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:
years."
* * *
A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs
of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So,
presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new
physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:
"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"
The sick man shook his head doubtfully.
"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so far
is my watch."
* * *
A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an
honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the
blackboard in his class-room:
"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed
honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written
below his notice this line:
"God save the King."
* * *
The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee,
as follows:
"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly
more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad--think
me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy--no can come. Me get
well."
* * *
The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.
"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than
the other." He addressed one of the students:
"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"
Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:
"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."
* * *
The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:
"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy--he's sick."
"Is it serious?"
"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book on
what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she
mustn't do it."
More
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Cleanliness
The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party, and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and said: "Please, mother, may I sit on m... Community
The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty girl, received information that led him to question her: "Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed, George and Harry, as well as me?" The you... Compensation
Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper: "'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket." ... Compliments
"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past. "Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a titter. The bachelor retorted with icy disdain: ... Concealment
The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone down the street on an errand. S... Conceit
"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked in a tone that was far from humble. "Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better than other folks' virtues." ... Conditional
_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter." _Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back." ... Conscience
The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her sister, two years older: "When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you." "It's... Conservative
He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted. A doz... Constancy
His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with sufficient clearness: "I am dying--yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her--I died--with her name--on my lips, that I--love... Conversion
A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil ... Cookery
The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still intact save for one mouthful bitten... Couldn't Resist It
"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef for sale?" "I have," responded the butcher. "And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?" "It is."... Courtesy
The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a court-room. So, the judge directed him: "Speak to the jury, sir--the men sitting behind you on the benches." The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said: "Good-morning, gentlem... Cowardice
The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly: "Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?" "That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile." It was thus that the a... Curiosity
The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot forward and nipped his finger. With a howl... Damages
The child came to his mother in tears. "Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth." "Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to do it?" "I was pounding it with father's watch?" ... Danger
One foot in the grave, and the other slipping. ... Dead Certainty
On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend the funeral of her fiancé. The mistress gave the required permission sympathetically. "But you're not wearing... Dead Men's Shoes
When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor, asking: "Would you object to my t... Deafness
In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him: "The show is very good, don't you think?" The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied: "Me, I always ta... Declined With Thanks
Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform.... Dedication
The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife. Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly: "I never thought of that. As soon as you are g... Definition
The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word "spine," at his teacher's request. "A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other." ... Degrees In Degradation
Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his waiter. "My God!" he whispered. "... Delay
A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot to death. The widow continued munchi... Denied The Privilege
_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?" _The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys." _The Child:_ "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?" * * * ... Devil
Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was leaping about like a jack in the box, and... Diet
The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish. The girl protested: "But fish ... Digestion
In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very nervous. "Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and rice and citron and chutn... Diplomacy
"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?" "Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about paying your little debts?" "No, I'm going about to see if I've ov... Dirt
We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his partner: "Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!" * * ... Discipline
Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to remonstrate with his mother. "Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he demanded. His mother nodded assent. "Then you better get busy, ma. You mak... Discretion
The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully removed, the boy picked out and ate a fe... Discretion
_Miss Bizzy:_ "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion." _O'Brien:_ "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know about them." ... Divorce
The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a divorce. "Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have to find with your husband." And the wife was explicit: "He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a ... Doctors
A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment. "You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you... Doctrine
In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own particular tenets. For example, one dist... Documentary Evidence
During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German, and offered as proof the hotel register, whic... Dogs
The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smile... Domestic Quarrels
After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman: "Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?" "No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply. "That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?" "Ah sho'l... Doubt
Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which had dealt with the sheep and the goats. "Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb, and father calls me kid." * ... Drama
The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre; at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand. "Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and ch... Dreams
The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of dreams and their significance. During a pause, one of the party turned to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked: "Do you believe that dreams come true?" "Of co... Dress
"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new dress." "How sad! What was it trimmed with?" * * * The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic. "How do they catch l... Drew Blank
The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money. So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about for a day and a half outside the l... Drink
It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit. As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted off, and fell heavily on the cobble... Drugged
The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness. After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had made the arrest. "This fellow is ... During The Quarrel
_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----" _She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it." * * * ... During Vacation
_The Summer Girl:_ "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you." _The Summer Man:_ "Well--er--could you manage to be a sister to me for a couple of weeks?" * * * ... Duty
The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?" "Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard." ... Easy Living
The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of feeling: "In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands with vulgar work. The preparing... Economy
One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the next section, and so on. The other Japanese registered scorn. "Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was bette... Economy
_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points." _Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then." * * * _Best Man_ (_seeing couple off on honeymoon_): "Here you are--just a ... Efficiency
In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent importation from Lapland. The dialogue was a... Eggs
The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was instructed, among other things, to write on ... Egotism
The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend: "It is only to me that such misfortunes happen." "What's the matter now?" The pessimist answered dolefully: "Don't you see that it is raining?" ... Elephant
A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange animal thereabouts. "Begorra, Oi he... Elopement
Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and asked eagerly for details. "What about her father? Did he catch you?" "Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that the old boy is living with us s... Encouraging
_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?" _She:_ "Er--that clock is half an hour fast." * * * ... Enfranchisement Of Woman
_First Voter:_ "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of course?" _Second Voter:_ "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor." * * * ... Enough
The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch: "Sam, I have a job for you, if you wa... Epitaph
In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription which runs thus: "This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who was accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection." ... Evidence
The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been arrested for chicken-stealing: "I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women folks, d... Exclusiveness
One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by suggesting to the man that he reflect more c... Expectancy
An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle. But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he called, explained that the foreman had ca... Expense Account
The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows: "Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer." The husband, who was present, afterward expr... Experience
The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the weeping boy: "Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the room. She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.... Experts
There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky as to how he had managed to tak... Explicitness
On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken her pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to do so. "You were very naughty, Emma,... Extravagance
A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting of diamonds. This was offered at a p... Facts
The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary: "You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief." The other man protested, with a whine in his voice: "Sech talk ain't nice--and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts." ...