Fishy Record
_First Stenog._ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles
on a galleon!"
_Second Stenog.:_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about
them foreign cars."
* * *
A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full
eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.
* * *
"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."
"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."
* * *
_Lady:_ Well, what do you want?
_Tramp:_ Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the
front----
_Lady_ (_with interest_): Really----
_Tramp:_ Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round
to the back.
* * *
"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a
consultation."
"Of doctors?"
"Of dressmakers."
* * *
"You discharged your office boy?"
"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and
look wise."
"I guess you've seen the last of him."
"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency
expert."
* * *
"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"
"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on
it--such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."
* * *
More
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Efficiency
In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent importation from Lapland. The dialogue was a... Eggs
The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was instructed, among other things, to write on ... Egotism
The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend: "It is only to me that such misfortunes happen." "What's the matter now?" The pessimist answered dolefully: "Don't you see that it is raining?" ... Elephant
A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange animal thereabouts. "Begorra, Oi he... Elopement
Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and asked eagerly for details. "What about her father? Did he catch you?" "Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that the old boy is living with us s... Encouraging
_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?" _She:_ "Er--that clock is half an hour fast." * * * ... Enfranchisement Of Woman
_First Voter:_ "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of course?" _Second Voter:_ "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor." * * * ... Enough
The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch: "Sam, I have a job for you, if you wa... Epitaph
In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription which runs thus: "This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who was accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection." ... Evidence
The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been arrested for chicken-stealing: "I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women folks, d... Exclusiveness
One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by suggesting to the man that he reflect more c... Expectancy
An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle. But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he called, explained that the foreman had ca... Expense Account
The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows: "Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer." The husband, who was present, afterward expr... Experience
The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the weeping boy: "Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the room. She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.... Experts
There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky as to how he had managed to tak... Explicitness
On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken her pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to do so. "You were very naughty, Emma,... Extravagance
A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting of diamonds. This was offered at a p... Facts
The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary: "You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief." The other man protested, with a whine in his voice: "Sech talk ain't nice--and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts." ... Familiarity Etc
"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?" "Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except intimate friends." * * * ... Fashion
After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying: "Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some d... Favors
At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly. "Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his ... Femininity
_Julia:_ "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for." _Gertrude:_ "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in." * * * ... Fighting
The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement: "Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day." The father nodded gravely. "Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it." The little boy's face brightened. "Gee, pop! I hope you made out ... Film Fever
_Nurse:_ "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?" _Guy:_ "Yes, nurse; to the pictures." * * * ... Finance
A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who she was, and what her mission: "Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama, ... Financiers
"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another. "'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are in jail, too." ... Fishing
The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of tuna fishing. "Just run out in a small motor boat," he explained, "and anything less than a hundred pounds is poor sport." The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupt... Fishy Record
_First Stenog._ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles on a galleon!" _Second Stenog.:_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about them foreign cars." * * * A group of touri... Flattery
An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out and hurried back to where a woman was... Fleas
The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner by the distinguished statesman. "Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother. Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant sm... Flirtation
The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him: "Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks... Flood
The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter. "Awful rainy spell--like the flood." "The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring. "_The_ flood--Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat." Th... Flowers
Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning-- "An attachment _à la_ Plato For a bashful young potato." Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life. ... Follies
A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself. The second was the going to war to ki... Food
The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further north would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical time. A lady, who had followed the exp... Forehandedness
The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up. ... Foresight
The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall; the mistress preferred the west wall. The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall. "That," ... Forgetfulness
The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men slouching past him. "Hi, you! where are you going?" "Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de ... Form
The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a letter from the company, which was s... Fraud
The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of the other young men. His employer b... French
An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to the station. He therefore addressed a ... Friendship
The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with downcast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking very miserable and lonely indeed. "Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically. The boy shoo... From The Heart
_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather." _The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fashion will have changed." * * * _The Reporter:_ ... Fussiness
The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush, nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son... Gender
It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the following question, because they are not always learned in the Old Testament. "If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah, what relation was Zeruiah to J... Gentleman
There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in prefixing _un_ to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a gentleman has been given a novel twist ... Geography
The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing. Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had arrived. He put the question to the group of rusti... Getting Back
_Customer to Palmist:_ "Five dollars fee? Er--would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?" * * * _Betty:_ "Mummy, does God send us our food?" _Mother:... Getting Even
_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear." _Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for being able to." * * * ... Getting On
_Old Gentleman:_ "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?" _Small Boy:_ "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones." * * * ... Getting Reckless
_She:_ "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know better." _He:_ "Aren't you afraid she is _too old_ to know better?" * *... Ghosts
There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts, and declared that, for the small sum... God's Will
The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance, he attempted to reassure her: "Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and ... Going Further
_Flora:_ "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I'd get even with her." _Dora:_ "Getting even with her won't satisfy _me_. _I'm_ going to get _uneven_ with her." * * * ...