God's Will
The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his
mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance,
he attempted to reassure her:
"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and
it's deader 'n dead."
His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was due
to that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:
"Yes, we beat it and beat it until--until God called it home!"
More
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Forgetfulness
The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men slouching past him. "Hi, you! where are you going?" "Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de ... Form
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The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of the other young men. His employer b... French
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The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with downcast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking very miserable and lonely indeed. "Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically. The boy shoo... From The Heart
_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather." _The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fashion will have changed." * * * _The Reporter:_ ... Fussiness
The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush, nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son... Gender
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The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing. Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had arrived. He put the question to the group of rusti... Getting Back
_Customer to Palmist:_ "Five dollars fee? Er--would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?" * * * _Betty:_ "Mummy, does God send us our food?" _Mother:... Getting Even
_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear." _Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for being able to." * * * ... Getting On
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_She:_ "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know better." _He:_ "Aren't you afraid she is _too old_ to know better?" * *... Ghosts
There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts, and declared that, for the small sum... God's Will
The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance, he attempted to reassure her: "Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and ... Going Further
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The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only from the excitement of the specia... Grammar
The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby brother close by on the curb. "Your mother is calling you," she said kindly. The little girl corrected the la... Grass
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At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin. The next day, a friend who had been at the... Guilty
_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married." _Brother:_ "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess." _Sister:_ "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don'... Habit
It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no effort to rise, so, as he opened the ... Hair
The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she commented: "Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you want an extry puff." ... Half A Duck Deep
Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep. "No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives. When the traveller reached th... Half And Half
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap. Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, sai... Hard To Please
The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and rumbled in a threatening bass voice: "What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done ...