Guilty
_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him
of something I did before we were married."
_Brother:_ "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."
_Sister:_ "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't
know what to confess."
* * *
"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to
honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.
"I don't blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.
* * *
"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah,
I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum."
"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum."
* * *
_Second-story Worker:_ "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What
did it cost you?"
_Burglar:_ "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"
* * *
The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.
"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.
"That's an engine boiler," said the guide.
"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.
"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.
* * *
He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to
know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his
choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the
affirmative answer late at night.
"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I'd think twice before I
married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."
"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the
night rates."
* * *
More
-
Flowers
Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning-- "An attachment _à la_ Plato For a bashful young potato." Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life. ... Follies
A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself. The second was the going to war to ki... Food
The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further north would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical time. A lady, who had followed the exp... Forehandedness
The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up. ... Foresight
The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall; the mistress preferred the west wall. The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall. "That," ... Forgetfulness
The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men slouching past him. "Hi, you! where are you going?" "Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de ... Form
The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a letter from the company, which was s... Fraud
The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of the other young men. His employer b... French
An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to the station. He therefore addressed a ... Friendship
The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with downcast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking very miserable and lonely indeed. "Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically. The boy shoo... From The Heart
_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather." _The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fashion will have changed." * * * _The Reporter:_ ... Fussiness
The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush, nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son... Gender
It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the following question, because they are not always learned in the Old Testament. "If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah, what relation was Zeruiah to J... Gentleman
There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in prefixing _un_ to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a gentleman has been given a novel twist ... Geography
The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing. Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had arrived. He put the question to the group of rusti... Getting Back
_Customer to Palmist:_ "Five dollars fee? Er--would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?" * * * _Betty:_ "Mummy, does God send us our food?" _Mother:... Getting Even
_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear." _Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for being able to." * * * ... Getting On
_Old Gentleman:_ "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?" _Small Boy:_ "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones." * * * ... Getting Reckless
_She:_ "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know better." _He:_ "Aren't you afraid she is _too old_ to know better?" * *... Ghosts
There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts, and declared that, for the small sum... God's Will
The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance, he attempted to reassure her: "Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and ... Going Further
_Flora:_ "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I'd get even with her." _Dora:_ "Getting even with her won't satisfy _me_. _I'm_ going to get _uneven_ with her." * * * ... Golf
The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual. "I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he ... Good Or Bad Turn?
"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?" "Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make one think there's something wrong with it." "What does it say, then?" "Why, he said I was one of the best men his f... Grace
The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only from the excitement of the specia... Grammar
The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby brother close by on the curb. "Your mother is calling you," she said kindly. The little girl corrected the la... Grass
The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and shouted: "Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the ... Greed
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: ... Grief
At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin. The next day, a friend who had been at the... Guilty
_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married." _Brother:_ "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess." _Sister:_ "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don'... Habit
It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no effort to rise, so, as he opened the ... Hair
The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she commented: "Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you want an extry puff." ... Half A Duck Deep
Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep. "No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives. When the traveller reached th... Half And Half
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap. Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, sai... Hard To Please
The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and rumbled in a threatening bass voice: "What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done ... Haste
The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had failed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea for executive clemency. The opening paragraph l... He Had Heard Of Them
It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are wasting. When I was in the Himalayas ... He Knew
_She:_ "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby." _He:_ "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as _she_ likes." * * * ... He Knew
Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr. Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed." "Don't want to be washed," came the reply... He Takes Your Time
"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he knows shall know it all, too." * * * ... He Was Wrong
_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for strong drink that brought you here?" _Prisoner:_ "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to dri... Hearsay
The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading false reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to the governor: "Deer guvner, if youve he... Heaven
The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true enough. A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired: "When do you expect to see Deacon Jones a... Help
The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired: "How's that new hand o' your'n?" "Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand--he's a sore thumb." * ... Helpful Pa!
_He:_ Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the future? _She:_ Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of next week. * * * "Daughter," said the old man, sternly... Helpfulness
Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the following story. A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city, and explained himself and his business there as follows: "My name is O'Rafferty. And my ce... Her Match
_Tommy:_ "What's an echo, pa?" _Pa:_ "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word." * * * "Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the b... Her Soft Answer
They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby exclaimed: "What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is cold?" "Why," replied... Her Views
_Mrs. de Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!" * * * Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; it's so common." ... Hereafter
This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy: "What are you bawling about, Jimmie?" "I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven." "That's silly. Maybe she hain't." * * * Little Alic... Heredity
The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter. "How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child teasin... High Prices
Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said: "The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?" The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases, answered cynically: "It's gone up to a dollar an... Hindsight
Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later with a load of bricks, and fell ... Hinting
A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning delinquent subscribers to the paper: "There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have not ke... His Difficulty
_Real Estate Agent:_ "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?" _Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:_ "I was just wondering whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes." ... His Little Mistake
A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called round on each of his flock, and the... His Reputation
_Waitress:_ "He ain't no good, Lil--he's one of these fellers wot chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare to see wot he gets for it." * * * ... His Sphere
"His versatility is something extraordinary." "I had an idea he was rather stupid." "That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself." * * * _Poetic Bridegr...