Help
The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who
chanced along inquired:
"How's that new hand o' your'n?"
"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand--he's a sore
thumb."
* * *
A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing much damage. When two
men tried to drive it out, the animal charged. One of the two climbed a
tree, the other dodged, and laid hold on the boar's tail. He hung on
desperately, and man and beast raced wildly round and round the tree.
Finally, the man shouted between gasps:
"For heaven's sake, Bill, climb down here, and help me leggo this ornery
old hog!"
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Grass
The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and shouted: "Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the ... Greed
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: ... Grief
At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin. The next day, a friend who had been at the... Guilty
_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married." _Brother:_ "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess." _Sister:_ "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don'... Habit
It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no effort to rise, so, as he opened the ... Hair
The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she commented: "Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you want an extry puff." ... Half A Duck Deep
Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep. "No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives. When the traveller reached th... Half And Half
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap. Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, sai... Hard To Please
The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and rumbled in a threatening bass voice: "What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done ... Haste
The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had failed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea for executive clemency. The opening paragraph l... He Had Heard Of Them
It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are wasting. When I was in the Himalayas ... He Knew
_She:_ "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby." _He:_ "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as _she_ likes." * * * ... He Knew
Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr. Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed." "Don't want to be washed," came the reply... He Takes Your Time
"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he knows shall know it all, too." * * * ... He Was Wrong
_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for strong drink that brought you here?" _Prisoner:_ "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to dri... Hearsay
The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading false reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to the governor: "Deer guvner, if youve he... Heaven
The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true enough. A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired: "When do you expect to see Deacon Jones a... Help
The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired: "How's that new hand o' your'n?" "Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand--he's a sore thumb." * ... Helpful Pa!
_He:_ Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the future? _She:_ Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of next week. * * * "Daughter," said the old man, sternly... Helpfulness
Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the following story. A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city, and explained himself and his business there as follows: "My name is O'Rafferty. And my ce... Her Match
_Tommy:_ "What's an echo, pa?" _Pa:_ "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word." * * * "Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the b... Her Soft Answer
They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby exclaimed: "What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is cold?" "Why," replied... Her Views
_Mrs. de Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!" * * * Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; it's so common." ... Hereafter
This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy: "What are you bawling about, Jimmie?" "I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven." "That's silly. Maybe she hain't." * * * Little Alic... Heredity
The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter. "How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child teasin... High Prices
Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said: "The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?" The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases, answered cynically: "It's gone up to a dollar an... Hindsight
Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later with a load of bricks, and fell ... Hinting
A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning delinquent subscribers to the paper: "There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have not ke... His Difficulty
_Real Estate Agent:_ "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?" _Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:_ "I was just wondering whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes." ... His Little Mistake
A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called round on each of his flock, and the... His Reputation
_Waitress:_ "He ain't no good, Lil--he's one of these fellers wot chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare to see wot he gets for it." * * * ... His Sphere
"His versatility is something extraordinary." "I had an idea he was rather stupid." "That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself." * * * _Poetic Bridegr... History
The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that subject protested: "But it is cer... Hogs
The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally, the professor wrote to the farmer and exp...