Helpfulness
Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the
following story.
A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city,
and explained himself and his business there as follows:
"My name is O'Rafferty. And my cellar is full of wather, and my hins
will all be drowned intirely if it ain't fixed. And I'm here to inform
yez that I'm wantin' it fixed."
It was explained to the complainant that the remedy for his need must be
sought at the office of the mayor, and he therefore departed to
interview that official.
After an interval of a few days, O'Rafferty made a second visit to the
office of the registrar.
"Sure, and I've come agin to tell yez that my cellar is now fuller of
water than ever it was before. And I'm tellin' yez that I want it fixed,
and I'm a man that carries votes in my pocket."
The registrar again explained that he was powerless in the matter, and
that the only recourse must be to the mayor.
"The mayor is ut!" O'Rafferty snorted. "Sure and didn't I see the mayor?
I did thot! And what did the mayor say to me? Huh! he said, 'Mr.
O'Rafferty, why don't you keep ducks?'"
HEN
The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in the London shop
said:
"Them are fresh which has a hen on 'em."
"But I don't see any hen."
The clerk explained patiently.
"Not the fowl, mum, but the letter _hen_. _Hen_ stands for _noo-laid_."
More
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God's Will
The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance, he attempted to reassure her: "Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and ... Going Further
_Flora:_ "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I'd get even with her." _Dora:_ "Getting even with her won't satisfy _me_. _I'm_ going to get _uneven_ with her." * * * ... Golf
The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual. "I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he ... Good Or Bad Turn?
"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?" "Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make one think there's something wrong with it." "What does it say, then?" "Why, he said I was one of the best men his f... Grace
The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only from the excitement of the specia... Grammar
The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby brother close by on the curb. "Your mother is calling you," she said kindly. The little girl corrected the la... Grass
The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and shouted: "Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the ... Greed
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: ... Grief
At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin. The next day, a friend who had been at the... Guilty
_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married." _Brother:_ "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess." _Sister:_ "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don'... Habit
It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no effort to rise, so, as he opened the ... Hair
The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she commented: "Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you want an extry puff." ... Half A Duck Deep
Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep. "No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives. When the traveller reached th... Half And Half
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap. Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, sai... Hard To Please
The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and rumbled in a threatening bass voice: "What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done ... Haste
The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had failed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea for executive clemency. The opening paragraph l... He Had Heard Of Them
It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are wasting. When I was in the Himalayas ... He Knew
_She:_ "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby." _He:_ "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as _she_ likes." * * * ... He Knew
Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr. Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed." "Don't want to be washed," came the reply... He Takes Your Time
"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he knows shall know it all, too." * * * ... He Was Wrong
_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for strong drink that brought you here?" _Prisoner:_ "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to dri... Hearsay
The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading false reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to the governor: "Deer guvner, if youve he... Heaven
The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true enough. A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired: "When do you expect to see Deacon Jones a... Help
The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired: "How's that new hand o' your'n?" "Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand--he's a sore thumb." * ... Helpful Pa!
_He:_ Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the future? _She:_ Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of next week. * * * "Daughter," said the old man, sternly... Helpfulness
Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the following story. A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city, and explained himself and his business there as follows: "My name is O'Rafferty. And my ce... Her Match
_Tommy:_ "What's an echo, pa?" _Pa:_ "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word." * * * "Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the b... Her Soft Answer
They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby exclaimed: "What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is cold?" "Why," replied... Her Views
_Mrs. de Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!" * * * Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; it's so common." ... Hereafter
This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy: "What are you bawling about, Jimmie?" "I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven." "That's silly. Maybe she hain't." * * * Little Alic... Heredity
The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter. "How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child teasin... High Prices
Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said: "The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?" The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases, answered cynically: "It's gone up to a dollar an... Hindsight
Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later with a load of bricks, and fell ... Hinting
A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning delinquent subscribers to the paper: "There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have not ke... His Difficulty
_Real Estate Agent:_ "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?" _Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:_ "I was just wondering whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes." ... His Little Mistake
A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called round on each of his flock, and the... His Reputation
_Waitress:_ "He ain't no good, Lil--he's one of these fellers wot chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare to see wot he gets for it." * * * ... His Sphere
"His versatility is something extraordinary." "I had an idea he was rather stupid." "That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself." * * * _Poetic Bridegr... History
The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that subject protested: "But it is cer... Hogs
The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally, the professor wrote to the farmer and exp... Holding His Own
The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to all and sundry: "Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I haven't nothin' now." ... Home Brew
The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel. "Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a question." Then, as he nodded assent: "Do you drink anything?" The young man replied without an instant of h... Homesickness
One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front in France, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant discovered the recruit sitting on a log and... Honeymoon
The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition. She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the door, on which she tapped daintily. "I... Honorable Intentions
A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father interviewed him: "Clinton, you've be... Hope Springs Eternal
_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one." * * * "That's Betty Grant's new maid." "She's much ... Hospital
Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave during this time of trial she should h... Hospitality
The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which he laid on the guest's plate. The vi... How He Did It
_First Theatrical Manager:_ "Do you have any trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your new show?" _Second Theatrical Manager:_ "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are li... How It Happened
"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met until a week ago." "I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught in a thunder storm." * * * ...