Hogs
The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on
which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been
somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally,
the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable
feature. He received the following reply:
"We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be
sure to come."
More
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Helpful Pa!
_He:_ Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the future? _She:_ Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of next week. * * * "Daughter," said the old man, sternly... Helpfulness
Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the following story. A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city, and explained himself and his business there as follows: "My name is O'Rafferty. And my ce... Her Match
_Tommy:_ "What's an echo, pa?" _Pa:_ "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word." * * * "Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the b... Her Soft Answer
They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby exclaimed: "What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is cold?" "Why," replied... Her Views
_Mrs. de Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!" * * * Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; it's so common." ... Hereafter
This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy: "What are you bawling about, Jimmie?" "I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven." "That's silly. Maybe she hain't." * * * Little Alic... Heredity
The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter. "How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child teasin... High Prices
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Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later with a load of bricks, and fell ... Hinting
A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning delinquent subscribers to the paper: "There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have not ke... His Difficulty
_Real Estate Agent:_ "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?" _Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:_ "I was just wondering whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes." ... His Little Mistake
A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called round on each of his flock, and the... His Reputation
_Waitress:_ "He ain't no good, Lil--he's one of these fellers wot chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare to see wot he gets for it." * * * ... His Sphere
"His versatility is something extraordinary." "I had an idea he was rather stupid." "That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself." * * * _Poetic Bridegr... History
The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that subject protested: "But it is cer... Hogs
The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally, the professor wrote to the farmer and exp... Holding His Own
The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to all and sundry: "Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I haven't nothin' now." ... Home Brew
The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel. "Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a question." Then, as he nodded assent: "Do you drink anything?" The young man replied without an instant of h... Homesickness
One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front in France, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant discovered the recruit sitting on a log and... Honeymoon
The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition. She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the door, on which she tapped daintily. "I... Honorable Intentions
A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father interviewed him: "Clinton, you've be... Hope Springs Eternal
_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one." * * * "That's Betty Grant's new maid." "She's much ... Hospital
Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave during this time of trial she should h... Hospitality
The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which he laid on the guest's plate. The vi... How He Did It
_First Theatrical Manager:_ "Do you have any trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your new show?" _Second Theatrical Manager:_ "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are li... How It Happened
"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met until a week ago." "I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught in a thunder storm." * * * ... Humbug
Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the body of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopper and the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird monster. With the composite creature i... Humidity
The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn when it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite a Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school. "'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou ... Humility
The slow suitor asked: "Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?" "Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes, dearest, I accept." ... Hunger
"That woman never turns away a hungry man." "Ah, genuinely charitable!" "Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'" ...