Hope Springs Eternal

_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War,

Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next

one."



* * *



"That's Betty Grant's new maid."



"She's much smarter than her mistress."



"Well, they can't _both_ afford to dress like that."



* * *



_Father:_ "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for

years!"



_Hopeful:_ "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."



* * *



_Betty_ (_after flash of lightning_): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as

far away as you possibly can."



* * *



_Employer:_ "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."



_Boy:_ "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."



* * *



_Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, how _did_ you break that vase?"



_Maid:_ "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."



* * *



_Little Girl_ (_in foreground_): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom

_must_ come to his wedding."



* * *



_Mistress:_ "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."



_Cook:_ "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."



* * *



_Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green

lights_): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."



_Officer:_ "Well, what is it?"



_R. H.:_ "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."



* * *



"Can you play bridge to-night?"



"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."



"What--do you like the stuff?"



"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very

much better than it sounds."



* * *



_Master:_ "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia.

Surely, you've heard me again and again say '_pneu_monia'?"



_Man:_ "Well, Sir, I _'ave_; but I didn't like to correct you."



* * *



_Successful Poultry Farmer:_ "You'd be surprised what a difference these

incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every

week."



_Champion Dog Breeder:_ "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find

names for them all?"



* * *



_Small Boy_ (_who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow_): "I

hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."



* * *



_Mother:_ "Oh, Mary, why _do_ you wipe your mouth with the back of your

hand?"



_Mary:_ "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."



* * *



_Mother_ (_to child who has been naughty_): "Aren't you rather ashamed

of yourself?"



_Child:_ "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I

am."



* * *