Impudence
The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his
skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who had
lost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boy
asked:
"Are you going out to-day, sir?"
"Well, no, I guess not, sonny," was the answer. "Why?"
"If you ain't," the boy suggested, "I thought I might like to borrow
your wooden leg to play hockey."
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Honorable Intentions
A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father interviewed him: "Clinton, you've be... Hope Springs Eternal
_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one." * * * "That's Betty Grant's new maid." "She's much ... Hospital
Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave during this time of trial she should h... Hospitality
The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which he laid on the guest's plate. The vi... How He Did It
_First Theatrical Manager:_ "Do you have any trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your new show?" _Second Theatrical Manager:_ "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are li... How It Happened
"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met until a week ago." "I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught in a thunder storm." * * * ... Humbug
Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the body of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopper and the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird monster. With the composite creature i... Humidity
The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn when it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite a Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school. "'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou ... Humility
The slow suitor asked: "Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?" "Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes, dearest, I accept." ... Hunger
"That woman never turns away a hungry man." "Ah, genuinely charitable!" "Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'" ... Hunting
An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no game. A friend twitted him with his failure: "Didn't you shoot anything at all?" The honest fellow nodded miserably. "I shot my dog." "Why?" his questioner demanded. ... Identity
The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange woman who appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed. "But, madam," he advised her, "you will have to get some one to introduce you before I can pay you the money on this check.... Idioms
The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquial expressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of a distinguished statesman. "It would be a great pity," he declared, "if such a splendid man should kick the ghost." ... Illustration
Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at the saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the novice, and, on turning, he saw that P... Impatience
An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection: "Seems like Elmiry's falin' drefful slow. Dinged if ... Impudence
The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who had lost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boy asked: "Are you going out to-da... In A Fix
_Mrs. Muggins:_ "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her have yours?" _Mr. Muggins:_ "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's name on the handle... In Keeping
"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good housekeeper." "And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning." * * * ... In Order To Be Filled
Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the air, struck the other a resounding blow... In That Case
_She:_ "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water." _He:_ "I guess I have never been really thirsty." * * * ... Inadvertent
_Prospective Bride:_ "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress--a wedding dress costs such a lot." _Dressmaker:_ "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it would be out of fashion." * ... Indirection
The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort: "Er--Jenny, do you--think--er--your mother might--er--seriously consider--er--becoming my--er-mother-in-law?" ... Inheritance
A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang was working, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole. "Who's wantin' me?" inquired a heavy voice. "Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer asked, "did you come from Castlebar, County Mayo?" "I... Initiative
The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying: "It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair." "I shouldn't be surprised," the child replied musingly. "B... Injustice
The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-by asked him what was the matter. "My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," the boy wailed. "Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response. The child bawled the louder. "An' ma ... Innocence
A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a desire to come in. The following was the dialogue: "I wants to tum in, Sissy." "But you tan't tum in, Tom." ... Inquisitiveness
In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. The sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said: "I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost ... Insomnia
The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher. ... Insult
The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the day's work. "Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!" "Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?" "By your mother!" the wife declared, an... Insurance
The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts paid, etc. "So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to start?" "We make care...