Life's Biggest Problem
_Old Job:_ "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love
with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"
_Old Steve:_ "Why not choose the latter and get both?"
* * *
_He_ (_just introduced_): What a very homely person that gentleman near
the piano is, Mrs. Black!
_She:_ Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.
_He:_ How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the
prettiest wives!
* * *
A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my
hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair,
perusing the pages of a novel.
"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell
the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."
* * *
_Pompous Publisher_ (_to aspiring novice in literature_): I have been
reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I
think--ahem!--very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you
should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.
_Youthful Authoress_ (_wishing to show herself most ready to accept
advice_): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have
given you trouble?
* * *
More
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Innocence
A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a desire to come in. The following was the dialogue: "I wants to tum in, Sissy." "But you tan't tum in, Tom." ... Inquisitiveness
In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. The sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said: "I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost ... Insomnia
The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher. ... Insult
The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the day's work. "Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!" "Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?" "By your mother!" the wife declared, an... Insurance
The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts paid, etc. "So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to start?" "We make care... Intermission
During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the audience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying: "Meanwhile, in order to pass the time, w... Inventors
The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper, looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, and remarked enviously: "These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet that feller Vacuum has clea... It Worked
A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously. "A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice: "Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?" "The nearest hos... Items
The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows: Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments 6.00 Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new rib... Jokes
The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorous abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the entertainment. He consented, in response to much ... Just Ignorance
_He_ (_dejectedly_): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel." _She:_ "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about _love_?" ... Justice At Last
It was the usual domestic storm. "Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor mother's advice, and never married you!" Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last found voice. "Did your mothe... Justification
_Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?" _He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?" * * * _First Flapper:_ "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as... Kinship
The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his explanation: "They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt." * * *... Kisses
The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony: "Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?" The clergyman might have replied: "Not yet, but soon." ... Kissing
The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose to permit it or not. The maiden w... Knowledge
The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv, I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll kno... Laughter
Josh Billings said: "Laff every time yu pheel tickled--and laff once in a while enny how." LAW The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices: "I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits you to do. For... Lawyers
There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf of a son languishing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client as he listened, and decided that ... Legerdemain
"What did you do last night?" "I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and offered her my hand, and she slighted it." ... Lent
"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another. "Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty dollars for a new Easter bonnet." ... Letting Him Know
_Flora:_ "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter." _Dora:_ "What did you say in your last letter?" _Flora:_ "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before." * * * ... Liars
The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain ... Lies
A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then, he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident that had no connection whatever ... Life's Biggest Problem
_Old Job:_ "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love with a great problem or a beautiful woman!" _Old Steve:_ "Why not choose the latter and get both?" * * * _He_ (_just introduced_):... Life's Difficulties
_Mother:_ "Why, what's the matter, darling?" _Small daughter_ (_tearfully_): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this worm to my hen." _Mother:_ "Then why don't you?" _Small daughter_ (_with renewed wails_): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm won't ... Lightning
The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly broke with din of thunder and flare of lightn... Lisp
The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil: "Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?" "Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes panth." ... Literal
The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what was really in them. The star production from this command was a composition written by a boy who was both si... Literally
_He:_ "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him." _She:_ "Yes! They met in an automobile collision." * * * ... Literalness
The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the village, and inquired: "Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?" "Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnu... Logic
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed. "Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly. "I'm finkin, muv... Loquacity
The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy surveyed the lie, and muttered: "Dormie." Quoth Tammas, with a snarl: "Chatter-r-rbox!" ... Love
The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and love: "Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things after each other." ... Love Me Love Me Not
The little girl came in tears to her mother. "God doesn't love me," she sobbed. "Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come to get such an idea?" "No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know--I tried Him ... Luck
The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of the general cussedness of things: "Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever ... Lunacy
The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great clearness. In consequence, he called d... Luxury
The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions: "Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say, 'Time for the parade, sir.' "Then, I'll say, 'D... Lying
The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring: "I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money." "You are excuse... Maiden Speech
The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness: "I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and began like this: "As I was sitting on my thought,... Maidens
"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante. "I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men you're going to marry." ... Making Sure
"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents." "I thought he had dozens of your photos." "Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check." * * * ... Managing The Managers
This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks-- "He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'" "... Manners
It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince drew himself haughtily erect, and said, ... Marksmanship
During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens pounded on the doctor's door, until he... Marriage
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. * * * The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife. "Let us begin ... Merit
Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride: "I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer meritorious condooct, his sintince will be re... Might Have Been Worse
The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset. Quoth she to a younger friend: "Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid." "That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend. "Yes; wasn't it...