Maidens
"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get
married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.
"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men
you're going to marry."
More
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Lisp
The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil: "Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?" "Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes panth." ... Literal
The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what was really in them. The star production from this command was a composition written by a boy who was both si... Literally
_He:_ "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him." _She:_ "Yes! They met in an automobile collision." * * * ... Literalness
The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the village, and inquired: "Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?" "Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnu... Logic
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed. "Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly. "I'm finkin, muv... Loquacity
The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy surveyed the lie, and muttered: "Dormie." Quoth Tammas, with a snarl: "Chatter-r-rbox!" ... Love
The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and love: "Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things after each other." ... Love Me Love Me Not
The little girl came in tears to her mother. "God doesn't love me," she sobbed. "Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come to get such an idea?" "No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know--I tried Him ... Luck
The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of the general cussedness of things: "Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever ... Lunacy
The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great clearness. In consequence, he called d... Luxury
The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions: "Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say, 'Time for the parade, sir.' "Then, I'll say, 'D... Lying
The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring: "I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money." "You are excuse... Maiden Speech
The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness: "I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and began like this: "As I was sitting on my thought,... Maidens
"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante. "I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men you're going to marry." ... Making Sure
"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents." "I thought he had dozens of your photos." "Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check." * * * ... Managing The Managers
This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks-- "He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'" "... Manners
It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince drew himself haughtily erect, and said, ... Marksmanship
During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens pounded on the doctor's door, until he... Marriage
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. * * * The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife. "Let us begin ... Merit
Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride: "I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer meritorious condooct, his sintince will be re... Might Have Been Worse
The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset. Quoth she to a younger friend: "Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid." "That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend. "Yes; wasn't it... Military Discipline
The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention to him whatever. "Do you know who... Miscellany
It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were discovered: Forty-seven hairpins, three mus... Misled
_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they were empty." _The Lawyer:_ "Well, what do you expect?" _The Client:_ "Full of booze. Isn't that what... Mismated
A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the lad had no choice but to run too. They came sh... Mistaken Identity
The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting a large pumpkin, he sat on it industr...