Misled
_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were
advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they
were empty."
_The Lawyer:_ "Well, what do you expect?"
_The Client:_ "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. o. b. means?"
* * *
During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the I
how it was that the Jews were so wise.
"Because," said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offered
to sell one for ten dollars.
After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit
into it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring."
"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already."
* * *
"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and
would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little
money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary,
twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000
when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I
shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will
have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked,
"You haven't one about fifty, have you?"
* * *
"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I
told you, when they called?"
"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an'
shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."
* * *
"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"
"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."
"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him
he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."
* * *
"Would you marry a man to reform him?"
"What does he do?"
"He drinks."
"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in
our set."
* * *
"I would like to have a globe of the earth."
"What size, madam?"
"Life-size, of course."
* * *
_Wife:_ "George, is that you?"
_George:_ "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"
* * *
_She_ (_tenderly_): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"
_He:_ "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."
* * *
_Jazz:_ "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."
_Beau:_ "Stripped?"
_Jazz:_ "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."
* * *
_Mrs. Newlywed_ (_on her first day's shopping_): "I want two pieces of
steak and--and about half a pint of gravy."
* * *
_Farmer:_ "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"
_Tourist:_ "Well--er--is it ambitious and willing to work?"
* * *
_Papa:_ "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last
night?"
_Daughter:_ "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."
* * *
"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."
"Then why didn't you marry him?"
"I met him again so often."
* * *
_Interviewer:_ "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"
_Stage Manager:_ "Those who have the most to show, of course."
* * *
_She:_ "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"
_He:_ "Er--er--nothing."
_She:_ "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me
unless he means business, d'ye hear?"
* * *
_Foreman:_ "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to
your one?"
_Laborer:_ "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."
* * *
_Lady_ (_in box_): "Can you look over my shoulders?"
_Sailor:_ "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they
are great."
* * *
"How times have changed!"
"Yes?"
"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."
* * *
_Sailor Bill:_ "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light
canvas."
_Sailor Dan:_ "Yes--you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."
* * *
_Tramp:_ "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"
* * *
"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."
"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."
* * *
A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied
by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its
excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken
he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.
"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.
The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity
to the salesman's ear, replied:
"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan'
wo'k heah no mo'."
* * *
"Do you really believe in heredity?"
"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."
* * *
An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd
responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency,
and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he
said:
"How about you, George, are you married?"
Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own
livin'."
* * *
A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the
hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever
saw?"
"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"
* * *
"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left
it all to you."
"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him
suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and
fees and things!"
"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay
all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's
salary."
* * *
_Mr. McNab_ (_after having his lease read over to him_): "I will not
sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion
in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in
the High Street."
* * *
"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the
bed and hurry or we shall be late."
"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a
muvver."
* * *
"You say you doted on your last mistress?"
"Yes, mum. I certainly did."
"Then why did you leave her?"
"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."
* * *
"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or
something?"
"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."
* * *
"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"
"Only wunst."
"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"
"No'm; he should have said twict."
* * *
"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you
have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."
"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is
perfect."
* * *
"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business
and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."
"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And
John, dear----"
"Yes; what is it?"
"Please don't draw to any inside straights."
* * *
_The City Nephew:_ "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly
instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."
_Uncle Talltimber:_ "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the
telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over
our twenty-party line."
* * *
"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you
repeat a verse from the Bible?"
"I'll say I can."
"Well, my dear, let us have it."
"The Lord is my shepherd--I should worry."
* * *
Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London,
and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During
the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself
very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine
disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he
was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the
whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."
* * *
An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor
the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the
satellite.
"It's a' richt," replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "but
it's awfu' fu' o' bunkers."
* * *
"What are you doing, Marjory?"
"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif."
"But, darling, you don't know how to write."
"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read."
* * *
"What sort of an appearing man is he?"
"Little dried-up feller," replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks like
he always ett at the second table."
* * *
"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"
"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."
"No, her husband has lost his hearing."
* * *
Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a new
suit. One asked:
"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"
"Fo'ty dollahs," was the response.
"Fo'ty dollahs?"
"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs."
"Look at me," said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactly
like yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore
flimflammed you."
* * *
The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coat
sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then
straightening up he said:
"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat of
yourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to be
yo' vest.'"
* * *
"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"
"How old are you now?"
"Forty."
"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"
"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't
any vices."
"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"
* * *
"I say, Madge, it's bitterly cold. Hadn't you better put something on
your chest?"
"Don't worry, old thing. I've powdered it three times."
* * *
_Father:_ "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl
robbed you of every cent you had."
_Son:_ "Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever."
More
-
Kisses
The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony: "Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?" The clergyman might have replied: "Not yet, but soon." ... Kissing
The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose to permit it or not. The maiden w... Knowledge
The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv, I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll kno... Laughter
Josh Billings said: "Laff every time yu pheel tickled--and laff once in a while enny how." LAW The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices: "I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits you to do. For... Lawyers
There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf of a son languishing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client as he listened, and decided that ... Legerdemain
"What did you do last night?" "I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and offered her my hand, and she slighted it." ... Lent
"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another. "Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty dollars for a new Easter bonnet." ... Letting Him Know
_Flora:_ "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter." _Dora:_ "What did you say in your last letter?" _Flora:_ "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before." * * * ... Liars
The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain ... Lies
A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then, he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident that had no connection whatever ... Life's Biggest Problem
_Old Job:_ "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love with a great problem or a beautiful woman!" _Old Steve:_ "Why not choose the latter and get both?" * * * _He_ (_just introduced_):... Life's Difficulties
_Mother:_ "Why, what's the matter, darling?" _Small daughter_ (_tearfully_): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this worm to my hen." _Mother:_ "Then why don't you?" _Small daughter_ (_with renewed wails_): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm won't ... Lightning
The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly broke with din of thunder and flare of lightn... Lisp
The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil: "Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?" "Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes panth." ... Literal
The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what was really in them. The star production from this command was a composition written by a boy who was both si... Literally
_He:_ "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him." _She:_ "Yes! They met in an automobile collision." * * * ... Literalness
The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the village, and inquired: "Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?" "Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnu... Logic
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed. "Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly. "I'm finkin, muv... Loquacity
The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy surveyed the lie, and muttered: "Dormie." Quoth Tammas, with a snarl: "Chatter-r-rbox!" ... Love
The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and love: "Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things after each other." ... Love Me Love Me Not
The little girl came in tears to her mother. "God doesn't love me," she sobbed. "Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come to get such an idea?" "No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know--I tried Him ... Luck
The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of the general cussedness of things: "Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever ... Lunacy
The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great clearness. In consequence, he called d... Luxury
The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions: "Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say, 'Time for the parade, sir.' "Then, I'll say, 'D... Lying
The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring: "I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money." "You are excuse... Maiden Speech
The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness: "I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and began like this: "As I was sitting on my thought,... Maidens
"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante. "I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men you're going to marry." ... Making Sure
"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents." "I thought he had dozens of your photos." "Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check." * * * ... Managing The Managers
This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks-- "He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'" "... Manners
It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince drew himself haughtily erect, and said, ... Marksmanship
During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens pounded on the doctor's door, until he... Marriage
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. * * * The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife. "Let us begin ... Merit
Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride: "I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer meritorious condooct, his sintince will be re... Might Have Been Worse
The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset. Quoth she to a younger friend: "Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid." "That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend. "Yes; wasn't it... Military Discipline
The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention to him whatever. "Do you know who... Miscellany
It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were discovered: Forty-seven hairpins, three mus... Misled
_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they were empty." _The Lawyer:_ "Well, what do you expect?" _The Client:_ "Full of booze. Isn't that what... Mismated
A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the lad had no choice but to run too. They came sh... Mistaken Identity
The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting a large pumpkin, he sat on it industr... Misunderstood
_Mistress:_ "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers." _Maid:_ "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine, too?" * * * ... Mixed Metaphors
A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram in announcement of his mother's death: "Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked... Modesty
A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London weekly wrote: "I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate people." ... Money Talks
The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the elderly gentleman replied benignantly: "My ... Money Value
A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various viands, and did not hesitate to give thei... Monogamy
The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary: "And you never let your husband beat you?" "Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to try such a thing!" The oldest wife nodded understandingly. ... Monotony
The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully. "I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?" "Why, dear, do you want one?" The child nodded seriously. "Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat." ... Morality
The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower. "The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it.... More Desperate Still
_She:_ "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage." _He:_ "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat and all improvements." * * * ... More Opportunity
_The Wife:_ "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are." _The Husband:_ "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying with." * * ... Mosquitoes
The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat peeved. "Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened." "No," the host snapped; "we're using... Motto
Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon, in the window of which was a framed sign, reading: "_Ici on parle français_." "I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the observers remarked. To se... Music
Artemas Ward said: "When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me." * * * The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants where music was provided. "Because it works tw... Native Born
"He hit me on de koko, yer honour." "Your head?" "Yes, yer honour." "Why don't you speak the English language?" "I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life." * * * ... Natural Deduction
"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur. "I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble. "And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool." "Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about this mo... Neatness
The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even remove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York was continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which he lived. In the autumn, the janitor plac... Neighbors
It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the eminent basso to sing. "It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your neighbors." "Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our dog last ... Nerves
The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly tucked in, the little one commented: "It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you." ... Never Miss One
_Elder sister:_ "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I could give you a wrinkle or two." _Younger sister:_ "No doubt--and never miss them." * * * ... Nice
She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she was getting on. "We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque." "What do you mean by joint ... Nightmare
"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor inquired. "What is it?" The suffering man answered: "I dream that I'm married." "Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?" "To my wife," the patient explaine... No Dissension
_Mrs. Storme:_ "How is your Debating Society getting along?" _Mrs. Karn:_ "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree beautifully." * * * "Why are they not speaking?" "They quarreled about wh... No Doubt
"Lend me ten, Tom." "I think not." "You won't?" "I won't." "You've no doubt of my character, have you?" "I haven't." "Well, why won't you, then?" "Because I have no doubt of your character." * *... No Effect
"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?" "I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at me and drove on." *... No Kick Coming
_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents. _Agent:_ Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar? * ... No Nonsense About It
The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort ... Nomenclature
The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he described it with enthusiasm, except in on... None At All
Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off. "Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a safe journey." "Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld mither." "That's strange! Your mith... Not A Father
A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys. "Good morning, Father," said one of the boys. "Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two... Not In The Business
"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it again?" "No, madam. We only do one week's washing." * * * ... Not Needed
_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?" _Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?" * * * ... Not Restricted
"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free thinker." "Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?" * * * _John:_ "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket." _Mirandy:_ "Daon't y... Not Strong Enough
Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake. "Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully nice." "Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "i...