Mixed Metaphors
A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of
the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram
in announcement of his mother's death:
"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the
bucket."
More
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Making Sure
"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents." "I thought he had dozens of your photos." "Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check." * * * ... Managing The Managers
This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks-- "He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'" "... Manners
It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince drew himself haughtily erect, and said, ... Marksmanship
During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens pounded on the doctor's door, until he... Marriage
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. * * * The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife. "Let us begin ... Merit
Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride: "I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer meritorious condooct, his sintince will be re... Might Have Been Worse
The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset. Quoth she to a younger friend: "Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid." "That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend. "Yes; wasn't it... Military Discipline
The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention to him whatever. "Do you know who... Miscellany
It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were discovered: Forty-seven hairpins, three mus... Misled
_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they were empty." _The Lawyer:_ "Well, what do you expect?" _The Client:_ "Full of booze. Isn't that what... Mismated
A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the lad had no choice but to run too. They came sh... Mistaken Identity
The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting a large pumpkin, he sat on it industr... Misunderstood
_Mistress:_ "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers." _Maid:_ "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine, too?" * * * ... Mixed Metaphors
A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram in announcement of his mother's death: "Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked... Modesty
A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London weekly wrote: "I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate people." ... Money Talks
The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the elderly gentleman replied benignantly: "My ... Money Value
A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various viands, and did not hesitate to give thei... Monogamy
The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary: "And you never let your husband beat you?" "Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to try such a thing!" The oldest wife nodded understandingly. ... Monotony
The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully. "I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?" "Why, dear, do you want one?" The child nodded seriously. "Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat." ... Morality
The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower. "The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it.... More Desperate Still
_She:_ "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage." _He:_ "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat and all improvements." * * * ... More Opportunity
_The Wife:_ "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are." _The Husband:_ "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying with." * * ... Mosquitoes
The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat peeved. "Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened." "No," the host snapped; "we're using... Motto
Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon, in the window of which was a framed sign, reading: "_Ici on parle français_." "I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the observers remarked. To se... Music
Artemas Ward said: "When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me." * * * The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants where music was provided. "Because it works tw... Native Born
"He hit me on de koko, yer honour." "Your head?" "Yes, yer honour." "Why don't you speak the English language?" "I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life." * * * ...