Nomenclature

The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for

the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his

mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he

described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:



"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop,

an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"



* * *



When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded

her critically, and then demanded:



"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"



"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds

stripped for 'gym.'"



The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:



"Who in thunder is Jim?"



* * *



On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on

the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary

society was prevented by illness from introducing the speaker, and the

mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The

amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence,

and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this

observation:



"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have

often wondered--what are Keats!"



* * *



During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the

business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad

that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him

after the following episode.



A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the

display of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady

was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:



"Where are your sideboards?"



The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:



"Why--er--I shaved them off last week."



* * *



The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the

adventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of the

earthquake.



"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed,

everything was perfectly quiet. And then, when he woke up, all of a

sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"



* * *



One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.



"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so,

the octogenarian, is dead. Now, what on earth is an octogenarian

anyhow?"



"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But

they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."



* * *



A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to an

inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.



"What? Never heard of _Tom Sawyer_?"



"Nope, never heard of him."



"Nor _Huck Finn_?"



"Nope, never heard of him neither."



"Nor _Puddin'head Wilson_?"



"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."



And then he added sadly:



"An' that's all the good it done me."



* * *



The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he

was uncertain as to just what he was:



"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me

the sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man,

he says I'm the sacrilege."