Nothing To Smile At
A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.
An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not the
smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly
reading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he
said: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into a
Scotsman's head."
A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae hae
a finer point than ony o' yer stories, a'm thinking!"
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More
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No Effect
"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?" "I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at me and drove on." *... No Kick Coming
_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents. _Agent:_ Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar? * ... No Nonsense About It
The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort ... Nomenclature
The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he described it with enthusiasm, except in on... None At All
Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off. "Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a safe journey." "Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld mither." "That's strange! Your mith... Not A Father
A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys. "Good morning, Father," said one of the boys. "Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two... Not In The Business
"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it again?" "No, madam. We only do one week's washing." * * * ... Not Needed
_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?" _Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?" * * * ... Not Restricted
"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free thinker." "Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?" * * * _John:_ "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket." _Mirandy:_ "Daon't y... Not Strong Enough
Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake. "Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully nice." "Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "i... Not Unique
_He:_ "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush." _She:_ "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same thing." * * * ... Not Up-to-date
_Penelope:_ "What made George and Alice break their engagement?" _Clarissa:_ "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present day." * * * "Some wise person once said that silence was golden,... Not What She Meant
_She:_ "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance of their becoming reconciled?" _He:_ "Oh, they seem to be _quite_ reconciled." * * * _He:_ "By the bye, talking of old times, do y... Not Worth Much
The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker, "that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have risen tremendously in price?" "Y'er r... Nothing New To Him
The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked down a man without injuring him much. She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to the solid earth and faced him manfully. "I'm sorry it happened,"... Nothing To Fear
_Irate Golfer:_ "You must take your children away from here, madam; this is no place for them." _Mother:_ "Now don't you worry--they can't 'ear nothin' new--their father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!" * * ... Nothing To Smile At
A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men. An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not the smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly reading his paper. This exasperated the sto... Obstinacy
The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his head. "Well, what do you think... Off Like A Shot
It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the prosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel. "You say that you heard both sh... Old Enough To Know That
"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher. "No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls. "What flowers are not popular?" "Wall-flowers, ma'am." * * * ... Omen
The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back hi... Once Too Often
"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with an old comrade in arms." "By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?" * * * "Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Y... Only Their Way
_First Lady_ (_effusively_): "I am _more_ than _charmed_ to see you, my _dear_ Mrs.--er--um--." _Second Lady_ (_more effusively_): "How _lovely_ of you! So am I _delighted_. I _do_ hope we'll meet again _very_, VERY soon, my _dearest_ Mrs.--um--e... Opening Father's Eyes
"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?" "Of course I can," answered his proud parent. "Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now, for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but y... Optical Illusion
The sergeant rebuked the private angrily: "Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?" "Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly surprised. "No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason why."... Optimism
The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus, after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the ditch, he discovered that he had ... Orientation
John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird fell head first into the creek. He scra... Our Modern Infant
_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?" _Small Boy:_ "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you up." * * * ... Outworn
Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby. The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional information: "Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?" ... Paradox
The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the church along with the crowd that had attended the services: "If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their seats till everyone else has gone out, there woul... Pastoral
Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as compiled by a young curate: "Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and all the rest... Patriotism
The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his local loyalty, for at the end he c...