Perfect Agreement
_Mother:_ "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you
agree once in a while?"
_Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do
I."
* * *
_She:_ Jack is in love with you.
_Her:_ Nonsense!
_She:_ That's what I said when I heard it.
_
* * *
_Professor_ (_endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic_):
Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?
_Senior:_ A professor!
* * *
A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:
"What's the name of this wheel?"
"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.
He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:
"Can you recommend the Belva?"
* * *
"What this country needs is more production."
"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight
trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more
enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."
* * *
More
-
Not Worth Much
The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker, "that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have risen tremendously in price?" "Y'er r... Nothing New To Him
The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked down a man without injuring him much. She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to the solid earth and faced him manfully. "I'm sorry it happened,"... Nothing To Fear
_Irate Golfer:_ "You must take your children away from here, madam; this is no place for them." _Mother:_ "Now don't you worry--they can't 'ear nothin' new--their father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!" * * ... Nothing To Smile At
A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men. An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not the smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly reading his paper. This exasperated the sto... Obstinacy
The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his head. "Well, what do you think... Off Like A Shot
It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the prosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel. "You say that you heard both sh... Old Enough To Know That
"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher. "No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls. "What flowers are not popular?" "Wall-flowers, ma'am." * * * ... Omen
The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back hi... Once Too Often
"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with an old comrade in arms." "By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?" * * * "Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Y... Only Their Way
_First Lady_ (_effusively_): "I am _more_ than _charmed_ to see you, my _dear_ Mrs.--er--um--." _Second Lady_ (_more effusively_): "How _lovely_ of you! So am I _delighted_. I _do_ hope we'll meet again _very_, VERY soon, my _dearest_ Mrs.--um--e... Opening Father's Eyes
"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?" "Of course I can," answered his proud parent. "Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now, for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but y... Optical Illusion
The sergeant rebuked the private angrily: "Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?" "Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly surprised. "No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason why."... Optimism
The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus, after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the ditch, he discovered that he had ... Orientation
John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird fell head first into the creek. He scra... Our Modern Infant
_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?" _Small Boy:_ "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you up." * * * ... Outworn
Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby. The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional information: "Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?" ... Paradox
The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the church along with the crowd that had attended the services: "If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their seats till everyone else has gone out, there woul... Pastoral
Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as compiled by a young curate: "Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and all the rest... Patriotism
The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his local loyalty, for at the end he c... Peace
The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows: "Thou are at rest, until we meet again." ... Peacemaker
The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your brains out!" "It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I stepped in between t... Pension
The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing, but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No. 98,325,423, based his application for succor up... Perfect Agreement
_Mother:_ "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you agree once in a while?" _Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I." * * * _She:_ Jack is in love ... Perhaps!
"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he was engaged to marry. "Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?" * * * A Northern man in an optician's... Pessimism
The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a discouraged tone: "Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the next day Wednesday--the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!" *... Philanthropy
"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town. "Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent inquiry. "Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone... Phonetics
Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness: "Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?" "Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?" "It ain't swear... Physiology
The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat to her what they had learned. The... Plain Speaking
The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in service. "You seem to have had a good many situations," was the lady's comment as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all told?" "Fifteen, all told," ... Played Them Both Up
A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the hoop's owner. He a... Playing Possum
"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de 'possum done come out of his hole. An... Plumber
The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink. The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the hours for which he drew pay. He ma... Poetry
The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to perhaps, but not too well; f... Point Of View
A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after their return to Boston, the visitor was... Poker
Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind. "I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy. The Yankee did not hesitate. "I ain't exactly onto your currenc... Politeness
The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons to learn whether he was rich man, poor ... Politics
The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a petition. "Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves." The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on the campaign, regarded his son th... Popular Opinion
_First Burglar:_ "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin' dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!" _Second Burglar:_ "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?" * * * ... Population
Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to the population of the city. "Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites." ... Postal
It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is ... Praise
One negro workman was overheard talking to another: "I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Sam ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him yoh shohly is!" ... Prayer
The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked advice, the reply, though well intent... Preacher
A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He concluded his appeal as follows: "Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a Slid... Precaution
When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted: "Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been ...