Railroad
A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run over
the line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his horse along the
road bed. The engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train was
forced to a crawl with the cowcatcher fairly nipping at the horse's
heels. Finally, the engineer leaned from the cab window and shouted:
"You dum fool, why dont ye git offen the track?"
The fleeting boy screamed an answer:
"No, sirree! Ye'd ketch me in a jiffy on thet-thar ploughed ground."
More
-
Profiteers
The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new country estate. "And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual animals--horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth." "Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you... Progress
The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife. "How does John get along with his r... Prohibition
The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly: "Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did." "You are raving," declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment. "How do you make that out?" "Well, to begin with, there was the Flood." ... Prolific
The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother. "And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked. "Aaron," was the answer. A few days later, the teacher inquire... Pronunciation
The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to one of her father's humble parishioners: "Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last few weeks." "No, miss," the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocas... Proof
_Shopper:_--"Are these eggs fresh?" _Apprentice:_--"Yes, ma'am, they be." _Shopper:_--"How long since they were laid?" _Apprentice:_--"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am--I know, I laid them eggs there myself." ... Property
The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that had been lying by the curb three days. "What am I to do with this?" he demanded. "Take it to headquarters," was the serene reply. "If nobody claims it within a reasonable ... Providence
The _babu_ explained with great politeness the complete failure of a young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game: "The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all merciful to the birds." ... Prudence
Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of the company. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet, and made the round of his fellow guests,... Punishment
The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil, received this note in reply: "Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give you permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes jist like h... Puns
"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal Court. "Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door. He was seized by an officer and hauled back. "Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate. ... Pure Carelessness
It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck. "My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults." "I have that, mum," replied ... Puzzle
The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the assembly of guests in the drawing-room: "Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?" Everybo... Qualified
_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?" _The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is." * * * ... Quarrelsome
The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had left her last place: "To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master and the mistress was always quarreling." "That must have been unpleasant," the lady ... Questions
It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented a question as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around the entrance to its hole. He was finally ca... Railroad
A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run over the line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his horse along the road bed. The engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train was forced to a crawl with the cowcatch... Ready And Willing
_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?" _Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered." * * * An old darky visited a doctor and recei... Ready To Join
_Minister:_ Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement? _Miss Ala Mode:_ I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot? * * * ... Realised
_Lawyer:_ "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate." _Client:_ "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams of his youth." * * * ... Reality
A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon. "Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser. "I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind ... Reassuring
_She:_ "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?" _He:_ "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years without knowing love when I feel it." * * * ... Recognition
The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company was sent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to the gentleman occupying the office the calling up of some one over the wire in order to test the working of the inst... Redeeming Trait
"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me." "Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully. "Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call th... Reform
Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving testimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last called on Abe: "Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congreg... Reliability
The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tackle for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the entire family was supported by the in... Remembered
Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son Bobby has. "And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks. "Remember you? Why, he remembers every fac... Repentance
"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was well, the devil a monk was he." ... Repetition
The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session until she had written an original composition containing not less than fifty words. In a surprisingly short spa... Resignation
The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man in a tone of grave finality: "I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his recovery." This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with ... Retroactive
"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself." "But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself." * * * _Pupil:_ "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?" _... Revenge Is Sweet
"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergea...