Ready And Willing
_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?"
_Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor,
when the police interfered."
* * *
An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he
should do. Shaking his head, he was about to leave the office, when the
doctor called out "Hey, there, uncl
fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling
out. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."
* * *
An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time
his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions.
He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to
speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his
machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman
quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of
stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengers
until he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently.
"I'm so sorry to trouble you," said a voice behind, "and I know I
oughtn't to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can't help it. I
thought perhaps you ought to know Annie's gone."
* * *
_Chloe:_ I sho' mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin'
on Friday.
_Daphne:_ What bad luck done come to you?
_Chloe:_ I sen' home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what I
was gwine keep out to wear to chu'ch on Sunday.
* * *
The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the
nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What--who?" stammered the
professor absently. "Why interrupt me--isn't my wife at home?"
* * *
More
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Prayer
The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked advice, the reply, though well intent... Preacher
A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He concluded his appeal as follows: "Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a Slid... Precaution
When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted: "Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been ... Precociousness
A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened the door. "Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired. Little Willie answered with formal politeness: "I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?" ... Precocity
The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club. "I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces." "Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said ... Prematureness
Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat down in the same seat. "How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired. Jakey started nervously. "Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week." ... Preparedness
The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to himself: "It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sit in it." ... Pride
The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity. "Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has electricity on her head, and grandma has gas o... Prison Reform
The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in conditions at the State Penitentiary: "Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in... Privilege
The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen beside him. The latter looked astonished.... Probably
"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?" "Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything." * * * ... Procrastination
The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith shop and bring back a drill which had be... Profanity
The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted in a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She regarded him reprovingly, as she demanded: "My man, where did you learn such awful language?" "Where did I lear... Profiteers
The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new country estate. "And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual animals--horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth." "Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you... Progress
The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife. "How does John get along with his r... Prohibition
The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly: "Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did." "You are raving," declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment. "How do you make that out?" "Well, to begin with, there was the Flood." ... Prolific
The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother. "And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked. "Aaron," was the answer. A few days later, the teacher inquire... Pronunciation
The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to one of her father's humble parishioners: "Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last few weeks." "No, miss," the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocas... Proof
_Shopper:_--"Are these eggs fresh?" _Apprentice:_--"Yes, ma'am, they be." _Shopper:_--"How long since they were laid?" _Apprentice:_--"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am--I know, I laid them eggs there myself." ... Property
The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that had been lying by the curb three days. "What am I to do with this?" he demanded. "Take it to headquarters," was the serene reply. "If nobody claims it within a reasonable ... Providence
The _babu_ explained with great politeness the complete failure of a young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game: "The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all merciful to the birds." ... Prudence
Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of the company. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet, and made the round of his fellow guests,... Punishment
The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil, received this note in reply: "Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give you permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes jist like h... Puns
"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal Court. "Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door. He was seized by an officer and hauled back. "Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate. ... Pure Carelessness
It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck. "My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults." "I have that, mum," replied ... Puzzle
The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the assembly of guests in the drawing-room: "Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?" Everybo... Qualified
_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?" _The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is." * * * ... Quarrelsome
The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had left her last place: "To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master and the mistress was always quarreling." "That must have been unpleasant," the lady ... Questions
It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented a question as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around the entrance to its hole. He was finally ca... Railroad
A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run over the line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his horse along the road bed. The engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train was forced to a crawl with the cowcatch... Ready And Willing
_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?" _Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered." * * * An old darky visited a doctor and recei... Ready To Join
_Minister:_ Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement? _Miss Ala Mode:_ I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot? * * * ... Realised
_Lawyer:_ "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate." _Client:_ "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams of his youth." * * * ... Reality
A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon. "Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser. "I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind ... Reassuring
_She:_ "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?" _He:_ "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years without knowing love when I feel it." * * * ... Recognition
The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company was sent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to the gentleman occupying the office the calling up of some one over the wire in order to test the working of the inst... Redeeming Trait
"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me." "Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully. "Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call th... Reform
Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving testimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last called on Abe: "Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congreg... Reliability
The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tackle for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the entire family was supported by the in... Remembered
Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son Bobby has. "And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks. "Remember you? Why, he remembers every fac... Repentance
"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was well, the devil a monk was he." ... Repetition
The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session until she had written an original composition containing not less than fifty words. In a surprisingly short spa... Resignation
The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man in a tone of grave finality: "I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his recovery." This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with ... Retroactive
"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself." "But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself." * * * _Pupil:_ "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?" _... Revenge Is Sweet
"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergea... Revolution
At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City appeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She wore a large number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she was a Daughter of all two hundred and thi... Reward Of Merit
A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his wife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had acquired some skill with a needle in his bac... Reward Of Virtue
The little boy put a serious question to his mother: "Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven, will God give me a nice ickle devil to play with?" * * * The teacher directed... Ruling Passion
Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of him--which is, of course, untrue--illustrates the point. Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing t... Safety First
"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he saw across the street. The man addressed blinked and shook his head. "Come over there?" he called back. "Why, it's all I can do to stay where I am." ... Sandy Scored
A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed: "Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like me?" "Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?" "I do," said the laird. "Ah, weel,"... Sanity
It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most trying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a woman sued for divorce, alleging in the complaint against her husband that he had no faults. It was probably a subtle... Sarcasm
The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was at first gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among the guests, and later a little suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared at her, puzzled, she spoke in explan... Sarcasm
Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been engaged. When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking round, he beckoned the cha... Saving
A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money, was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week later, the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished. "Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "Bu... Scapegoat
Cousin Willie, aged ten, came for a visit to Johnnie, aged twelve. Johnnie's mother directed him to take the visitor out to play with his boy friends in the neighborhood. "And be sure to have lots of fun," she added. On the return of the boys, ... Schedule
Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter: "Is this Rome, ma?" "What day of the week is it, Matilda?" "Tuesday. What of it?" "If it's Tuesday, it mu... Scientific Proof
One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said: "Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke." ... Scotched!
A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast, "Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch." "That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon." The farmer st... Seasickness
On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into a nasty choppy sea, which steadily grew worse. There were twenty-five passengers at the captain's table for dinner, and he addressed them in an amiable welcoming speech: "I hope that all twe...