Redeeming Trait
"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I
go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."
"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.
"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."
"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have our
honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"
* * *
OFF
There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he
penned the following note:
"Dear Miss Brown,--I return herewith your kind note in which you accept
my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it
begins 'Dear George.' I do not know who George is, but my name, as you
will remember, is Thomas."
* * *
More
-
Pronunciation
The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to one of her father's humble parishioners: "Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last few weeks." "No, miss," the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocas... Proof
_Shopper:_--"Are these eggs fresh?" _Apprentice:_--"Yes, ma'am, they be." _Shopper:_--"How long since they were laid?" _Apprentice:_--"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am--I know, I laid them eggs there myself." ... Property
The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that had been lying by the curb three days. "What am I to do with this?" he demanded. "Take it to headquarters," was the serene reply. "If nobody claims it within a reasonable ... Providence
The _babu_ explained with great politeness the complete failure of a young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game: "The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all merciful to the birds." ... Prudence
Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of the company. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet, and made the round of his fellow guests,... Punishment
The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil, received this note in reply: "Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give you permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes jist like h... Puns
"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal Court. "Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door. He was seized by an officer and hauled back. "Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate. ... Pure Carelessness
It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck. "My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults." "I have that, mum," replied ... Puzzle
The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the assembly of guests in the drawing-room: "Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?" Everybo... Qualified
_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?" _The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is." * * * ... Quarrelsome
The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had left her last place: "To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master and the mistress was always quarreling." "That must have been unpleasant," the lady ... Questions
It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented a question as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around the entrance to its hole. He was finally ca... Railroad
A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run over the line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his horse along the road bed. The engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train was forced to a crawl with the cowcatch... Ready And Willing
_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?" _Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered." * * * An old darky visited a doctor and recei... Ready To Join
_Minister:_ Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement? _Miss Ala Mode:_ I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot? * * * ... Realised
_Lawyer:_ "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate." _Client:_ "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams of his youth." * * * ... Reality
A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon. "Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser. "I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind ... Reassuring
_She:_ "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?" _He:_ "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years without knowing love when I feel it." * * * ... Recognition
The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company was sent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to the gentleman occupying the office the calling up of some one over the wire in order to test the working of the inst... Redeeming Trait
"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me." "Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully. "Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call th... Reform
Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving testimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last called on Abe: "Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congreg... Reliability
The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tackle for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the entire family was supported by the in... Remembered
Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son Bobby has. "And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks. "Remember you? Why, he remembers every fac... Repentance
"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was well, the devil a monk was he." ... Repetition
The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session until she had written an original composition containing not less than fifty words. In a surprisingly short spa... Resignation
The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man in a tone of grave finality: "I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his recovery." This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with ... Retroactive
"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself." "But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself." * * * _Pupil:_ "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?" _... Revenge Is Sweet
"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergea... Revolution
At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City appeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She wore a large number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she was a Daughter of all two hundred and thi... Reward Of Merit
A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his wife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had acquired some skill with a needle in his bac... Reward Of Virtue
The little boy put a serious question to his mother: "Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven, will God give me a nice ickle devil to play with?" * * * The teacher directed... Ruling Passion
Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of him--which is, of course, untrue--illustrates the point. Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing t... Safety First
"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he saw across the street. The man addressed blinked and shook his head. "Come over there?" he called back. "Why, it's all I can do to stay where I am." ... Sandy Scored
A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed: "Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like me?" "Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?" "I do," said the laird. "Ah, weel,"... Sanity
It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most trying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a woman sued for divorce, alleging in the complaint against her husband that he had no faults. It was probably a subtle... Sarcasm
The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was at first gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among the guests, and later a little suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared at her, puzzled, she spoke in explan... Sarcasm
Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been engaged. When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking round, he beckoned the cha... Saving
A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money, was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week later, the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished. "Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "Bu...