Schedule
Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following
conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter:
"Is this Rome, ma?"
"What day of the week is it, Matilda?"
"Tuesday. What of it?"
"If it's Tuesday, it must be Rome."
* * *
The man about to take a train was worried by the station clocks. There
was twenty minutes difference between the one in the office and the one
in the waiting-room. Finally, he questioned a porter. That worthy made a
careful survey of the two clocks, and shook his head doubtfully. Then,
he brightened suddenly, and said:
"It don't make a single mite of difference about the clocks. The train
goes at four-ten, no matter what."
More
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Reliability
The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tackle for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the entire family was supported by the in... Remembered
Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son Bobby has. "And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks. "Remember you? Why, he remembers every fac... Repentance
"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was well, the devil a monk was he." ... Repetition
The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session until she had written an original composition containing not less than fifty words. In a surprisingly short spa... Resignation
The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man in a tone of grave finality: "I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his recovery." This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with ... Retroactive
"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself." "But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself." * * * _Pupil:_ "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?" _... Revenge Is Sweet
"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergea... Revolution
At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City appeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She wore a large number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she was a Daughter of all two hundred and thi... Reward Of Merit
A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his wife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had acquired some skill with a needle in his bac... Reward Of Virtue
The little boy put a serious question to his mother: "Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven, will God give me a nice ickle devil to play with?" * * * The teacher directed... Ruling Passion
Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of him--which is, of course, untrue--illustrates the point. Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing t... Safety First
"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he saw across the street. The man addressed blinked and shook his head. "Come over there?" he called back. "Why, it's all I can do to stay where I am." ... Sandy Scored
A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed: "Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like me?" "Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?" "I do," said the laird. "Ah, weel,"... Sanity
It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most trying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a woman sued for divorce, alleging in the complaint against her husband that he had no faults. It was probably a subtle... Sarcasm
The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was at first gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among the guests, and later a little suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared at her, puzzled, she spoke in explan... Sarcasm
Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been engaged. When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking round, he beckoned the cha... Saving
A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money, was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week later, the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished. "Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "Bu... Scapegoat
Cousin Willie, aged ten, came for a visit to Johnnie, aged twelve. Johnnie's mother directed him to take the visitor out to play with his boy friends in the neighborhood. "And be sure to have lots of fun," she added. On the return of the boys, ... Schedule
Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter: "Is this Rome, ma?" "What day of the week is it, Matilda?" "Tuesday. What of it?" "If it's Tuesday, it mu... Scientific Proof
One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said: "Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke." ... Scotched!
A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast, "Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch." "That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon." The farmer st... Seasickness
On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into a nasty choppy sea, which steadily grew worse. There were twenty-five passengers at the captain's table for dinner, and he addressed them in an amiable welcoming speech: "I hope that all twe... Sectarian
Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-agent. The driver explained to the robber that his only passenger was a man, who was asleep inside. The highwayman insisted that the traveler be awakened. "I want to go through his pockets!" he declared... Self-betrayal
The old lady was very aristocratic, but somewhat prim and precise. Nevertheless, when the company had been telling of college pranks, she relaxed slightly, and told of a lark that had caused excitement in Cambridge when she was a girl there. This wa... Sermon
The aged colored clergyman, who made up in enthusiasm what he lacked in education, preached a sermon on the verse of the Psalm, "Awake, Psaltery and Harp! I myself will awake right early." The explanation of the words, which preceded the exhortation... She Could Use Him
"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at hard labour." "Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court room, "will yo' Honah jes' spl... She Took Them
"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman. "They seem rather indistinct." "But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your face is not at all plain." * * ... Sheep And Goats
The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergyman's sermon as to the separation of the sheep and the goats. That night after she had gone to bed, she was heard sobbing, and the mother went to her, to ask what was the matter. "It's about the g... Shiftlessness
The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor, closed the book on French history, which he had been perusing with great interest, and addressed his wife. "Do you know, Mary," he asked impressively, "what I would have done if I had been in Nap... Shipwreck
The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various stories that were told in the smoking room. They were good stories, and obviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gone before. Finally, the company ins... Slander
The business man's wife, who had called at his office, regarded the pretty young stenographer with a baleful eye. "You told me that your typewriter was an old maid," she accused. The husband, at a loss, faltered in his reply, but at last contriv... Slavery
A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro, whom he met in the road. "And I suppose you were once a slave?" he remarked. "Yes, suh," the old colored man answered. "And, so, after the war, you gained your freedom," the gentleman conti... Slighted
"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again." "_Misunderstanding_, indeed! If you had any _feeling_ you'd call it a quarrel." * * * ... Smells
An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. The question at issue was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk. The colonel was made arbiter. He sat ju... Social Uplift
The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. The unwilling hostess shook her head at the visitor's promise to come again. "And excuse me if I don't return th... Spanking
Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she could spank him no more for physical...