The Alleged Humorists
"I can read my husband like a book."
"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."
* * *
"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole
a kiss."
"What did she say?"
"Will that be all?"
* * *
More
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Suspicious
It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground. "Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that t... Sympathy
A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the door, and, in surprise at sight of him on ... Sympathy
_Freddie_ (_aged six_): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me for my birfday?" _His Mother:_ "Yes, dear! What of it?" _Freddie:_ "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick." ... Sympathy
_The Tabby-Cat:_ "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave one away!" _The Parrot:_ "Wasn't it too bad of them--to go and break the set?" * * * ... Tact
The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice. "Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of ... Talking Machine
Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news item of a country paper: "Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding her hus... Talking Sense
"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancée closer to him, "am I the first man you have ever kissed?" "William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt, f... Tar And Feathers
The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the other. "The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon came down." ... Taste
A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians. On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question was: "Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?" "Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice--onc... Teaching The Young Idea
Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquired of his father: * * * "Dad, who was Mozart?" "Good gracious, boy! You don't know that!" indignantly returned his parent. "Go and ... Tears
The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and she offered as a convincing argument: "You know it makes little girls homely." The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then remarked: "You must have cri... Tender Memories
"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where shingles were first used?" "I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd rather not." ... Terminology
When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot water for shaving in the morning. "When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?' then y... Testimony
Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone. "It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped... The Alleged Humorists
"I can read my husband like a book." "Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear." * * * "I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss." "What did she say?... The Brute!
_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave me, Archie?" _Mr. Newlywed:_ "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!" _Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first." * ... The Consumer Inflamed
"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy. "Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely. "Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy. * * * ... The Difference
_She:_ "I'm so glad we're engaged." _He:_ "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?" _She:_ "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't." * * * ... The Druggist's Turn
The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves. "What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?" "No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?" "Yes, but what--" "Well, t... The Floor Held
"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his friend. "Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?" * * * ... The Gloomy Guest
The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself to cheer him up. "Er--have you k... The Jonah
"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches." "Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches that you can't keep a good ... The New Appreciation
_Wife_ (_habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?" * * * _Lady:_ "I've just been making my side... The Obstacle
_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said." _Fred:_ "What did she say?" _George:_ "No!" * * * ... The Real Job
"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?" "Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies." * * * ... The Road To---- Etc
"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions." "I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world." * * * ... The Secret
_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in being content with one's lot." _The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be a whole lot." * * * ... The Servant Problem
_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----" _Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!" _Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----" _Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!" _Lady:_ "Well, then, your last--er--pray what do you call those in...