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The Gloomy Guest

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The Gloomy Guest

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The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking
young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about
as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself
to cheer him up.

"Er--have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.

"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.

* * *

"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"

"People kept thinking it was something to drink."

* * *

A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a very
portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing
the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for
eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out:
"Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"

* * *

_First Little Girl:_ What's your last name, Annie?

_Second Little Girl:_ Don't know yet; I ain't married.

* * *

_Kloseman:_ I didn't see you in church last Sunday.

_Keen:_ Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.

* * *

A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her
husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the
funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah,"
said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself
up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahs
to see dat I'se got on gloves?"

* * *

_Dad_ (_sternly_): Where were you last night?

_Son:_ Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.

_Dad:_ Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.

* * *

Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah,
there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses
is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the
woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are
all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young
fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my
ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's

* * *

A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business,
but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the
farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said
one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of
fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has
ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer--that's what it is. Enough for an
acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt
it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more,
you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."

* * *

Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. "How much will you give me for
this overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment.
Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars," he said.

"Why," cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's worth
a penny.'"

"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac.
"Four dollars or nothing."

"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.

"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.

"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was
hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really

* * *

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