The Obstacle
_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it
hadn't been for something she said."
_Fred:_ "What did she say?"
_George:_ "No!"
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Tears
The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and she offered as a convincing argument: "You know it makes little girls homely." The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then remarked: "You must have cri... Tender Memories
"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where shingles were first used?" "I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd rather not." ... Terminology
When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot water for shaving in the morning. "When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?' then y... Testimony
Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone. "It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped... The Alleged Humorists
"I can read my husband like a book." "Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear." * * * "I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss." "What did she say?... The Brute!
_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave me, Archie?" _Mr. Newlywed:_ "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!" _Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first." * ... The Consumer Inflamed
"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy. "Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely. "Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy. * * * ... The Difference
_She:_ "I'm so glad we're engaged." _He:_ "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?" _She:_ "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't." * * * ... The Druggist's Turn
The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves. "What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?" "No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?" "Yes, but what--" "Well, t... The Floor Held
"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his friend. "Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?" * * * ... The Gloomy Guest
The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself to cheer him up. "Er--have you k... The Jonah
"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches." "Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches that you can't keep a good ... The New Appreciation
_Wife_ (_habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?" * * * _Lady:_ "I've just been making my side... The Obstacle
_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said." _Fred:_ "What did she say?" _George:_ "No!" * * * ... The Real Job
"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?" "Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies." * * * ... The Road To---- Etc
"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions." "I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world." * * * ... The Secret
_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in being content with one's lot." _The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be a whole lot." * * * ... The Servant Problem
_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----" _Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!" _Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----" _Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!" _Lady:_ "Well, then, your last--er--pray what do you call those in... The Substitute
A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table if he could have some poached eggs. "We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon." ... The Whole Truth
Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss. "Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?" "Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' ... They Wilt
"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work. "Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?' and they wilt." * ... Thirteen To One
Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he would be glad to do so. Accordingly, ... Threat
The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as the ogre approached forceps in hand: "Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's agai... Thrift
A Scotchman was questioned by a friend: "Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister." "Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near--veera near--doin' it, but the bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And... Time Flies
The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours--first nine, then ten, then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth passionately: "How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!" "Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That'... Tit For Tat
The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly distressed, and reproached the farmer. "Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just beat ...