Troubles Of The New-poor
"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner
and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."
* * *
"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"
"Well, usually in a sweater."
* * *
_Small Boy_ (_walking round links with his father_): "Daddy, here's a
ball for you."
_Father:_ "Where did you get that from?"
_Small Boy:_ "It's a lost ball, Daddy."
_Father:_ "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"
_Small Boy:_ "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."
* * *
_Small Boy_ (_toying with dull blanc-mange_): "Please may I have an ice
instead of finishing this--'cos I feel sick?"
* * *
More
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Thrift
A Scotchman was questioned by a friend: "Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister." "Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near--veera near--doin' it, but the bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And... Time Flies
The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours--first nine, then ten, then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth passionately: "How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!" "Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That'... Tit For Tat
The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly distressed, and reproached the farmer. "Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just beat ... To Be Sure
_Lily:_ "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me at the piano." _Edith:_ "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!" * * * ... Tobacco
The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger: "Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins--ninety-eight year old!" The visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair... Toilette Details
The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner. "Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mo... Tongue
An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others. As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands worn by the Doctor were longer than was fit... Too Enthusiastic
_Wifey:_ "Henry, do you think me an angel?" _Hubby:_ "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all women are angels!" "You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!" * * * ... Too Good
"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her employ, "I hear that you have married." "Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now." "Is he a good provider, Alice?" "Yassum. He's powerful good provider, but Ah's powerful sk... Too One-sided
"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget." "That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting." * * * ... Too Sad For That
A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn. "This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked. The innkeeper looked pained. "We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it with all the ca... Too Smart
A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some "welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three watches, marked respectively _£_5, _£_4,... Too True
_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day. _Manager:_ Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act. * * ... Tough On The Senator
The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked the minister about some of his old acquaintances. "How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him to-day?" "You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the m... Treachery
The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes. He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch, the Italian saw a rattlesnake coile... Treasure Trove
An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind, almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn, where he burrowed into the haymow. B... Trial
The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked: "Are you guilty, or not guilty?" The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he sai... Triplets
When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered out of the house, celebrated the occasion with many friends in a number of saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in the morning when he entered the hou... Tripped
The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly flowers about them--everything was just right for a proposal, and Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and also, he believed, an heiress, which w... Troubles Of The New-poor
"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette." * * * "I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?" "Well, usually... Troublesome Customer
A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, so exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest. "Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?... True To Life
Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his "picter" Ian MacPherson came along. "What's that ye hev there?" he asked. "My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o' it?" "Man, it's fine!" excla... Truth-tellers
The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women are liars, for _Punch_ records the following as the dialogue between her and her mother when she had been caught in a fib: _Mother:_ "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty.... Typographical Error
The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocent enough, for his concluding sentence was: "The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable." ... Values
An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of the wife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved widower. She uttered her formal express... Vanity
The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she had gazed into her mirror and had yie... Victory
That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts. When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the museum, and his guide had explained that ... Wants Her Rights
_He:_ "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest teacher." _She:_ "And there is no holding back her salary, either." * * * "And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willin... Weather
The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for addressing the judge: "What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?" And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news in particular. But one morning, in answer to ... Wedding Declared Off
_John Willie_ (_pleadingly_): "Why can't we be married right away, Elsie?" _Elsie_ (_coyly_): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now." _John Willie_ (_earnestly_): "But, my darling, he has had you such a very long time." _Elsie_ (_... Whales
At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change. "What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?" ... What Did He Mean?
A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported: "Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay ven he sell his wheat and ... What He Preferred
"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles. "No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was owed; "I prefer the cash!" "Wot was the last card Oi dealt y... What He Preferred
He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at the back door. "How much is it, uncle?" he was asked. "Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus.... Whiskers
An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days at a convention of his political party. (This was antedating the era of prohibition.) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in the nominations at the convention, an... Why He Picked Pictish
An English mother was visiting her son at college. "Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?" "I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied. "Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?" "Only five words of i... Why Indeed
_The Husband:_ "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two seconds'?" _The Wife:_ "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! _I'm_ ready _now_'?" * * * _Madge:_ "Have you given Jack yo... Widow
One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she had just attended: "And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the altar, every light in the church went out." The listeners exclaimed over the catastroph...