Weather
The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for
addressing the judge:
"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"
And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news
in particular.
But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there came a variation:
"Our country has declared war against Spain." The darky scratched his
head thoughtfully, then rolled his eyes to squint at the cloudless blue
of the sky, and finally remarked in a pleased tone:
"They shohly done picked a fine day fer it."
More
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Too True
_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day. _Manager:_ Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act. * * ... Tough On The Senator
The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked the minister about some of his old acquaintances. "How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him to-day?" "You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the m... Treachery
The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes. He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch, the Italian saw a rattlesnake coile... Treasure Trove
An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind, almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn, where he burrowed into the haymow. B... Trial
The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked: "Are you guilty, or not guilty?" The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he sai... Triplets
When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered out of the house, celebrated the occasion with many friends in a number of saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in the morning when he entered the hou... Tripped
The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly flowers about them--everything was just right for a proposal, and Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and also, he believed, an heiress, which w... Troubles Of The New-poor
"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette." * * * "I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?" "Well, usually... Troublesome Customer
A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, so exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest. "Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?... True To Life
Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his "picter" Ian MacPherson came along. "What's that ye hev there?" he asked. "My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o' it?" "Man, it's fine!" excla... Truth-tellers
The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women are liars, for _Punch_ records the following as the dialogue between her and her mother when she had been caught in a fib: _Mother:_ "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty.... Typographical Error
The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocent enough, for his concluding sentence was: "The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable." ... Values
An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of the wife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved widower. She uttered her formal express... Vanity
The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she had gazed into her mirror and had yie... Victory
That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts. When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the museum, and his guide had explained that ... Wants Her Rights
_He:_ "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest teacher." _She:_ "And there is no holding back her salary, either." * * * "And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willin... Weather
The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for addressing the judge: "What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?" And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news in particular. But one morning, in answer to ... Wedding Declared Off
_John Willie_ (_pleadingly_): "Why can't we be married right away, Elsie?" _Elsie_ (_coyly_): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now." _John Willie_ (_earnestly_): "But, my darling, he has had you such a very long time." _Elsie_ (_... Whales
At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change. "What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?" ... What Did He Mean?
A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported: "Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay ven he sell his wheat and ... What He Preferred
"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles. "No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was owed; "I prefer the cash!" "Wot was the last card Oi dealt y... What He Preferred
He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at the back door. "How much is it, uncle?" he was asked. "Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus.... Whiskers
An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days at a convention of his political party. (This was antedating the era of prohibition.) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in the nominations at the convention, an... Why He Picked Pictish
An English mother was visiting her son at college. "Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?" "I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied. "Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?" "Only five words of i... Why Indeed
_The Husband:_ "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two seconds'?" _The Wife:_ "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! _I'm_ ready _now_'?" * * * _Madge:_ "Have you given Jack yo... Widow
One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she had just attended: "And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the altar, every light in the church went out." The listeners exclaimed over the catastroph... Widowhood
During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather a nuisance by the way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor as to endanger the bystanders and yelled ... Wife
A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday with the question: "Who was Cain's wife?" The Evangelist answered in all seriousness: "I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth. But I have a word of warning for this... Wild Women
The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wife had dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pestering him for a story from his adventures. Finally, at the end of his patience, he began. "Once, I was shipwrec... Wisdom
It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man mashes his thumb. ... With A Reservation
"Miss Smith--Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is something I want to tell you--something that I----" "What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a bored expression on her face. The young man drew a lo... Woman
A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God, asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue. * * * The following extract is from the diary of a New England w...