What He Preferred

"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the

Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.

"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was

owed; "I prefer the cash!"

"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"

"A spade."

"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."

* * *

During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually

large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor,

and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have

a zero on this examination."

"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower

than that."

* * *

The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the

cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who

was tinkering with the pipes.

"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.

"Been in the trade long?"

"'Bout a year, guv'nor."

"Ever made any mistakes?"

"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."

"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected

up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying

like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."

* * *

A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a

glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile:

"I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to----"

"Out with you," interrupted the man.

"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"

"I should say not!"

"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.

Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically

inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a


Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it

for a hat."

* * *

The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger

bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done


"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."

"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."

* * *

Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of

hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah

suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."

* * *