A Piece Of Plate
A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening
called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect:
Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased
me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your
acceptance of a small piece of plate. It was, beyond all question, a
very small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!
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A Noise For Nothing
WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore... A Novel Complaint
A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician felt his pulse, and said, Do you eat well?--Yes, said the patient. Do you sleep well?--I do.--Then, said the physician, I shall give you something to take away all that! ... A Novel Idea
MORROW'S Library is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a popular preacher. How inconsistent, said Archbishop Whately, is the piety of certain ladies here. They go to Day for a sermon and to Morrow for a novel! ... A Novelty
A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. Then, added another, you have now done it for the first time. ... A One-sided Joke
A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear rouge. I can give you permission, my dear, he replied, only for one cheek. ... A Painful Examination
IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the questions was, Give a definition of happiness. To which a candidate returned the following laconic answer: An e... A Pardonable Mistake
A BUTCHER of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the ladies addressing him, asked, Pray, sir, what are the stakes now? To which, ever mindful of his occupation, ... A Participation In A Practical Joke
SOME unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the rails of his staircase with tar. The dean coming down in the dark, dirtied his hands and coat very much with the ta... A Pat Reply
LORD J. RUSSELL endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his talent and acquirements. It is useless talking... A Perfect Bore
SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was not a little tiresome?--Not at all, said he, she was perfectly tiresome. ... A Pertinent Question
FRANKLIN was once asked, What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity? The philosopher answered the question by another, What is the use of a new-born infant? ... A Pertinent Question
JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who was about to be tried), said, There is a great rogue at the end of my cane. The man pointed at, inquired, At which end, my lord? ... A Phenomenon Accounted For
DR. BYRON, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram, being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus replied:-- Ancient Phyllis has young grace... A Philosophical Reason
A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered, Unum contrarium expellit alterum. ... A Phonetic Joke
A LITTLE girl playing at the game of I love my love with an A, &c., having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating him to Zeidlitz powders. ... A Piece Of Plate
A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect: Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased me; and, as a slight token of my regard a... A Pill Gratis
A PERSON desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance, said, I sometimes employ myself as a doctor.--Very likely, remarked his lordship; but is any one fool enough to employ you in that capacity? ... A Pious Minister
IF it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example to their inferiors, the E---- of R----, in his observance of one of the commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the Sabbath, but through the week, he take... A Place Wanted
A GENTLEMAN, who did not live very happily with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night. Happy girl! said the master, I wish I could give warning too. ... A Placebo
WHEN Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this old place.--Psha, sir, said George, don't fret; when you had this old place, you w... A Play Upon Words
A POACHER was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game unlawfully in a nobleman's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring to support it, he replied, May it ... A Pleasant Message
MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to the satisfaction of everybody. When h... A Pleasant Partner
A FARMER having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn, and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so useless a way, adding, You had better do so... A Plumper
A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said, He would certainly carry the election, for he had nobody's voice against hi... A Poetical Shape
WHEN Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was in and out, like the lines of a Pindaric ode. ... A Point
POPE was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard their conference, begged that he m... A Point Needing To Be Settled
A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little he opened the door and walked in, say... A Polite Rebuke
CHARLES MATHEWS, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the driver, said to him when at length he appeared: If you stand here much longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's ships.--How's that, sir?--Why, frozen at th... A Poor Laugh
CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned counsel had asked him a question. Wh... A Poor Substitute
THE Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While seated at the table of a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked him if he took milk in his tea. Yes, ma...