Contraband Scotchman
A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female
character so well. To do justice to that character, replied the lady,
modestly, one should be young and handsome.--Nay, madam, replied the
gentleman, you are a complete proof of the contrary.
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Computation
AN Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry on the occasion. Well, now, says he, I ... Con-cider-ate
LORD BOTTETOT, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax, in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said, Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, ... Conceited But Not Seated
SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about to stand at the ensuing elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them, ... Concurrent Events
A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that he had lost all his Greek. I believe it happened at the same time, sir, said Dr. Johnson, that I lost all my large estate in Yorkshire. ... Conditional Agreement
DR. A----, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, If I die, I pass this account; if I live, I'll examine it. ... Confidence
WHY, said a country clergyman to one of his flock, do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention to every stranger I invite?--Because, sir, was the reply, when you preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust... Confidence
THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to him:-- Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea? Jerrold.--O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea. ... Confidencetaken From The French
ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness. I, said the adaptator, never feel nervous on the first night of my pieces.--Ah, my boy, Jerrold replied, you ... Congratulation To One Who Curled His Hair
I'm very glad, to E--b--h said His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper, That 'tis the outer product of your head, And not the inner, you commit to paper! ... Conservative Logic
TAXES are equal is a dogma which I'll prove at once, exclaimed a Tory boor; Taxation hardly presses on the rich, And likewise presses hardly on the poor. ... Considerable Latitude
SIR RICHARD JEBB being called to see a patient who fancied himself very ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescribing for him. Now you are here, said the patient, I shall be obliged to you, Sir Richard, if you will tell me how ... Consistency
NO wonder Tory landlords flout Fixed Duty, for 'tis plain With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill Must go against the grain. ... Constancy
CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, He'll not change either till he comes back. ... Contraband Scotchman
A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female character so well. To do justice to that character, replied the lady, modestly, one should be young and handsome.--Nay, madam, replied the gentleman, you are a complete proof of the... Cooke's Explanation Of The Family Plate
AN American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the family plate,--the fetters and handcuffs! ... Cooking His Goose
THE performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, It was his tailor's fault.--Yes, poor man, said Munden, and his misfortune too! ... Cool As A Cucumber
SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and insisting on her receiving him in sta... Cool Retort
HENDERSON, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson took out his handkerchief, wiped his fac... Corporation Politeness
AS a west-country mayor, with formal address, Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess, The Spaniard, quoth he, with inveterate spleen, Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen, But your majesty's courage soon made... Corruptly Incorruptible
CHARLES THE SECOND once said to Sidney, Look me out a man that can't be corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all turned thieves.--Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert.--Mivert! exclaimed the king, why, Mivert is a thief... Couleur De Rose
AN officer in full regimentals, apprehensive lest he should come in contact with a chimney-sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed, Keep off, you black rascal.--You were as black as me before you were boiled, cried sooty. ... Credit
AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's description of a man who muddled away his fortune in paying his tradesmen's bills; Lord Orford's definition of timber, an excrescence on the face of the earth, placed there by Pro... Critical Politeness
A YOUNG author reading a tragedy, perceived his auditor very often pull off his hat at the end of a line, and asked him the reason. I cannot pass a very old acquaintance, replied the critic, without that civility. ... Criticising A Statue
SOON after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking ... Critics
LORD BACON, speaking of commentators, critics, &c., said, With all their pretensions, they were only brushers of noblemen's clothes. ... Cromwell
ONE being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle:-- The heart of the loaf, and the head of the spring, Is the name of the man that murdered the king. ...