Plain Language
MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened
to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, In plain English, ma Lords;
upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr.
Clerk. The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, Na matter! in plain
common sense, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll
ken.
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Paying In Kind
A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After he had done so, the counsel remarked, They can't be such a rare breed, as I have some like them in my yard.--Th... Paying In Kind
A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in... Pence Table
A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called after him, Where are you going, sir?--I am going to buy a ha'porth of nails.--What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?--For a halfpenny, replied the urchin. ... Perfect Discontent
AN old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. Hang it! said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, she wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon.... Personalities Of Garrick And Quin
WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. Let me get into the chair, cried the surly veteran, let me ge... Pert
MACKLIN was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the former was about to begin a lecture. Well, sir, you seem to be very merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now? asked Macklin. No, sir, said Foote, pray, do you? ... Pertinent Inquiry
A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him stare, Did you never hear that before? said the narrator. No, says the other: Pray, sir, did you? ... Philip Earl Of Stanhope
PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the Hou... Phillis
Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,-- Then as like as two chips ... Picking Pockets
THESE beer-shops, quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt, Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt! Too true, answers Ben, with a shake of the head, Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead. That beer breeds dishonesty causes no won... Pickpocketing
THE Baron de Beranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor of being singled out for such an attem... Piece De Resistance
DO come and dine with me, said John to Pat: you must; though I have only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you.--O my dear fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very same I should have had at home, barrin' the beef... Pig-headed
MR. JUSTICE P----, a well-meaning but particularly prosing judge, on one of his country circuits had to try a man for stealing a quantity of copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to mention the copper, which he uniformly called lead, adding... Plain Enough
A GENTLEMAN, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the presence of Foote, the latter said: And why don't you lay claim to such an accomplished beauty?--What right have I to her? exclaimed the gentleman. Every right, by the law of nat... Plain Language
MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, In plain English, ma Lords; upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk. The prompt advocate instantly r... Plain Speaking
GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his opinions, he had better suppress them. Had Martin Luther done so, replied the philosopher, your majesty would n... Player Or Lord
ONE day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: What a pity 'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow lik... Playing On A Word
LORD ORFORD was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration. Some one asked him what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia. Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for t... Pleasant
A COUNTRY dentist advertises that he spares no pains to render his operations satisfactory. ... Pleasant Deserts
A CERTAIN physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and ranged in order on the table, he said, Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to attend you,--you deserve to be ill. ... Pleasant For A Father
A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, I am going to send the young laird abroad.--What for? asks the tenant. Laird answered, To see the world. Tenant replied, But lordsake, laird, will no the world see him? ... Pleasant Invitation
SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. I have, says he, a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day came to see it, and says it is a copy. If any o... Political Corruption
CURRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then called aloud to his neighbors to witness his dirty elevation. ... Political Logic
IF two decided negatives will make Together one affirmative, let's take P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue per se, Who by this rule an honest pair will be. ... Political Sinecure
CURRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to his heart, and declared that he was the trusty guardian of his own honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on the snug little sinecure he had discover... Poor Law
PRAY, my lord, asked a fashionable lady of Lord Kenyon, what do you think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?--Let him spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he has not got a shilling in the world, let ... Pope's Last Illness
DURING Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging each other with hastening the death of the patient by improper prescriptions. Pope at length silenced them... Popping The Question
A GIRL forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man, whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her husband, said, with great simplici...